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St. Raphael’s: a Catholic School for the Agnostic

Words and Illustration by Malena Colón
October 9, 2023

Rainbow Baby I’m not religious and I’m not superstitious, but I know the twelve zodiac signs and I like to think my birth had some kind of symbolism. That I could live up to the name “double rainbow baby.” And the date that I came to be, 02/22/02, meant something because it was an angel number. That day, my grandma’s hands were shaking in the presence of a rainbow baby. But this story does not take place in a Manhattan hospital room. Stairs I will now shift you to a place that I can hardly remember but am trying to string back together, piece by piece. Something about St. Raphael’s School makes me not want to forget it. Here, I quickly learned to critique the world around me. I could proudly say I had never attended a day of church in my life to my fellow Catholic school classmates. I got a note sent home for walking the steps two at a time, instead of one, and I tried to bargain with God daily. I only attended Pre-K and Kindergarten, but it feels as though I am continuously uncovering memories that have long been buried. My mind tends to come back to the stairs, the ones I was rumored to have traversed quite dangerously. In the morning, after we said our collective prayer in the gymnasium, our teachers would lead the class up these steps to the classroom. When it was time for lunchtime and recess, they would lead the class back down to the gymnasium, and back up again when it was over. Like our shepherds, they guided our long treks through liminal space from destination to destination. One day, while walking up these stairs, I discovered that if I hunched my shoulders and sucked in a certain way, my uniform T-shirt would hang loose and hide the protrusion of my baby-fat stomach. Something about it felt unfair, that the other girls never seemed to have as much “baby fat” as I did. Why were we equal size baby, but not equal size fat? Then, other times, my mind would wander, and I would reflect on my newfound knowledge of numbers and letters. On these stairs, I remember assigning genders and colors to the numbers from one to ten. Two is green, a boy. Four is pink, maybe red, and a girl. I remember how one of my classmates, D.B., used to announce the latest news on his fluctuating romances when we traversed these stairs. He changed girlfriends so rapidly, I could never keep up. First it was someone else, then it was me, then it was someone else again. It would have been heartbreaking, were I to have actually had any emotional stake in this game. As for what these stairs look like, I tend to recall the image in a more metaphorical sense than a visual one. Zig-zagging, architecturally unsound staircases of some extra-dimensional, surrealist hellscape. Everything is superimposed by a faint but giant cross. Courtyard When we were momentarily released from our after-school program prison to play outside, I would occasionally spend time with my two older friends. I forget their names. They could have been third- or sixth-graders. All I remember is that they were taller and in some grade higher than me, which obviously made them cool and wise. One day, we somehow got to the topic of what our favorite fingers were. Mine was, I proudly proclaimed, my middle finger, because it was the longest and the best of the five. I stuck it out to show it to them. They laughed. Then they’d ask me the same question several more times after that, laughing even more. I was blissfully unaware of the source of their amusement, but the attention made me feel special nonetheless. The courtyard was a rough terrain of dark, depressing asphalt, livened only by the few trees that populated its edges. Desperate for entertainment, these trees were our safe haven, where imagination was allowed to flourish. Here existed our habitat where we were air-bending fairies. Here I contemplated the consequences if I ate a leaf picked from a tree. Here was the perfect setting for me to reenact the scenes of Bridge to Terabithia. It was a movie that both enchanted and haunted me. As I look back on it now, I realize it helped develop my respect for sad endings. The courtyard was a place of freedom. If I could escape St. Raphael when the sun was still out, that meant the ice vendor would still be there, ready to serve her magic treats to us eager children. But, most days, I bided my time in the gymnasium, waiting for my mom to bail me out. Gymnasium Pt I The gymnasium was my prison after school, as it was for the rest of those with parents who worked longer hours or who didn’t have the luxury of having a stay-at-home parent. Much of my childhood was riddled with this awful imprisonment, these interminable waiting hours. My friend A. would brag that her mom came to pick her up earlier because her mom loved her more. Better yet, A. also used to have a bad habit of scratching me and leaving marks. When I complained to my mom, her advice was to simply scratch her back, so that’s exactly what I did. My vengeance was executed wordlessly but effectively, perhaps more viciously than intended. It made A. cry. Of course, I was the one who got in trouble, even after reasoning that it was my mom’s advice. She denied all liability. A. used to have a huge crush on my brother, who’s a year younger than me. She called him her husband. They had many marital concerns (one being that my brother never really had a say in the marriage), but I consider none to be greater than her infamous “My husband peed on me” scene, of which the gymnasium was the setting. She announced it with a deadpan, serious tone, the calmest I think anyone could react when their husband has just peed on them. My brother also had another girlfriend (that player!) whose name was J. She wasn’t really his girlfriend, they were just really close friends, but my mom used to call her that. I liked J. We were friends. I occasionally talked with her during after-school prison. Perhaps she felt like the sister that I pretended to have. I was also given the chance to pretend that I owned a Bratz doll when we were given toys to play with after school. At home, my parents ensured that I strictly owned a Barbie collection, so in a sense after-school prison actually granted me a certain liberty. Eventually, I grew familiar with the after-school scene, with the people who I knew I liked and the dolls I knew I liked to play with. What arrived to interrupt my sense of familiarity was the influx of new inmates, the nearby public school children who we regarded as feral and strange. After a while, though, I realized that they were neither feral nor strange; I simply did not know them. As more and more of them joined us, I felt that my tiny grasp, the very little control I had over the situation, was slipping away. Classroom I don’t think I’ll ever understand why my parents sent me to Catholic school when they never took me to church. Maybe it was a social experiment. From early on, they instilled a sense of wariness for authority in me. They raised a two-step-walking skeptic. Perhaps I retain nothing from Catholic school because I was already so biased. Maybe the moment that I lost faith was when my father showed me and my brother 2001: A Space Odyssey. We were both terrified and fascinated. Perhaps how we felt about A Space Odyssey’s “black stick” is the same way most people feel about God. Awe, and fear. Except, instead of our colloquialized “black stick,” adults call it a “monolith.” How boring. We should colloquialize God. We should think of God the way we do a childhood memory. The way each person has their own version, but they retain complete faith. We hold onto what once was, despite knowing the details are faded — because it is ours, and ours alone. Maybe that means thinking of God the way my parents do. They don’t necessarily agree with organized religion, but they also look back to their Catholic days and are, for a moment, overwhelmed with a deep sense of nostalgia. It is this that compels them to momentarily regret not providing the same for their children. For providing what they say is a necessary framework of tradition and culture. Religion set aside, they believe that the Bible is a literary hallmark, a great feat in storytelling. I’ve never read it, but I have watched the Spy Kids movies 1, 2, and 3 religiously. And I mean over and over again. My eyes were absolutely glued to the TV screen. That’s what I’d consider a great feat in storytelling. I also remember watching Spider-Man cartoons from the 90s and thinking that they always looked so fuzzy because they were old. Well, turns out I needed glasses. I first got them in Pre-K, and I was appalled by this ocular dysfunction of mine. In the classroom, our teacher Mrs. R used to scold the boys for playing with fake finger guns. I couldn’t quite decide if this was right or not, and this was one of my earliest internal moral debates. It was 2007, 9/11 was still a sore subject, and she said something about violence and guns and God. I agreed, to a certain extent, because I couldn't see the point of their game and to be quite frank, I found it slightly annoying. But at the same time, I thought it was an absolutely ridiculous rule. Something about censorship and oppression and freedom is what I think my five-year-old mind was trying to get at. I didn’t think that God would find it sinful to just pretend. My first act of political controversy also took place in the classroom. That was when Mrs. R was talking about the president during class and I loudly proclaimed, “George Bush is evil!” only to be told that I had to “respect our president” by sole fact of his being president. I didn’t understand why I was being reprimanded. I was entitled to my own opinions, after all, and didn’t everyone know he was evil? And because I think I’m always right, I get absolutely frustrated when people don’t understand me. I don’t think my kindergarten teacher Mrs. L ever understood me. I remember her appearance as characterized by wire-frame glasses and a head of broccoli for hair, and I remember that her words were often meaningless to me. In the classroom, this boy named I. kissed my leg much to my surprise and disgust. I lamented to Mrs. L, who simply waved off my distress by saying, “Aw, that means he likes you!” Forget consent, she thought it was adorable. When I. used to follow me around pestering me, Mrs. L told me, “Malena, boys like to bother the girls they like.” I don’t think I ever succeeded in getting Mrs. L to recognize a single struggle of mine. Gymnasium Pt II The gymnasium, during the school day, was an altogether different place. It was a multipurpose room that served as a cafeteria and an auditorium. That’s why we traveled down the stairs to the gymnasium for lunchtime. Here, I remember briefly reflecting on why Mrs. L had decided to use the phrase “wake up and smell the coffee” to me. She proceeded to explain the meaning of the phrase, I just don’t recall in what context it came up. My memory tends to conflate this phrase with “stop and smell the roses,” and to be honest I’m not exactly sure which one was actually said. Perhaps it was both. Though I also vividly remember the giant “Got Milk” poster on one wall, which I tended to contemplate as if it were some kind of art piece, most of my memories here contain lunch boxes full of Lunchables, foot-kicking games beneath the table, and Fruit Roll-Up eating contests. I graduated from kindergarten in this gymnasium. At this time, I was already aware of my parents’ plans to move to New Jersey. It was both frustrating and frightening to think that I would have to remove my entire being from my current world and reimplant myself in another, to begin again as a “Jersey girl” with a weird accent and none of the New York sensibility I had grown to love. When I expressed my woes to Mrs. L, she said to me in this very gymnasium: “Well, Malena, at least you’ll have air conditioning.” I had never heard something so useless, so oblivious to my imminent doom. I didn’t see how that was supposed to make me feel better at all. Sure, it was June and the gymnasium got very hot, but that was only a temporary discomfort in the face of a permanent transition. St. Raphael St. Raphael school does not exist anymore, and sometimes it feels as if it never existed. I can no longer go back and revisit the source of these half-baked memories. I can only trust in my mind to faithfully recollect them. If I were to revisit these stairs, would they invoke the same sense of thoughtfulness and hint of rebellion in me? Would the courtyard make me long for lost friendships and innocence? Would the gymnasium be its own prison once again? Or would I simply walk through those halls and feel nothing but a resounding emptiness, that this place invokes absolutely nothing within me and my memories remain just as unsatisfactory? There is no way of knowing any of this now, and I guess no point in wondering to begin with. Upon a quick Google search, I was reminded of this, the futility of it all. Though I could hardly find any pictures of the old place, I luckily managed to discover this astounding headline: “St. Raphael’s Priest Allegedly Punched By Man Urinating in Church Parking Lot.” I have once again been forcefully made to move on from St. Raphael, and I believe there’s some trace of that little girl within me who feels frustrated about that. But I guess it is exactly how Mrs. L put it: “Well, Malena, at least you’ll have air conditioning.” Perhaps that was the beauty of her advice: no matter how useless or nonsensical it was, there was always some element of faith, of hope. Perhaps that’s what religion is. Perhaps that’s how I feel about God. Or perhaps that’s how I feel about St. Raphael.

Black Honey

Mariah Guevara
September 17, 2023

I’m going to have to wrap you in duct tape the first time. It’s as much for the nerves as for any practical function. We’ll wind it round the places where your thick cotton pants are tucked into your rubber boots and your goatskin leather gloves cinch around your elbows. Seal away any trace of skin, any gaps to the outside world. Reassure yourself—there’s no way they could possibly get you now. They most certainly can get you now, but let’s not focus on that. Besides the gloves, the veil is the most important part. Make sure the zipper is pulled as tight as possible to the side and stick a peel of duct tape on it too, for good measure. Watch the world become hazy and strange and gray beyond the wall of mesh. As sealed up as you’ll get, it’s time to go. Outside, you’ll find the heat and humidity of the Arkansas summer is nearly unbearable. The best time to check on them is, tragically, in the heat of the day, when the majority will be out foraging. Your fingers will swell with boiling blood, rendered bloated and red and clumsy on the acre-long walk down a green, sloping hill out to the hives. They’re three small, charming things—white boxes with wood-lined roofs to give them the appearance of cottages—nestled about ten feet apart from each other in the shade-dappled line of forest curving against the open field of my backyard. They’re all faced east, to better nudge the bees into action as soon as the sun rises. My hives are set a little lower than most, but that’s only because I’m shorter than most; they’re waist-high, for ease of access. The sound of buzzing is incomprehensible, loud at even twenty feet away but nearly deafening when you stand before a hive itself. I always knock on the side of their hive to announce my presence. I’d feel bad about disturbing them, but I think they’ve gotten used to my intrusions. There are terrible things that can happen to hives if we don’t check in on them every week or so—parasites, new queens born to wage civil war, diseases. It’s my job and joy to keep my fuzzy little friends safe. The humming inside rises to a high, whining pitch until I waft my hand across the entrance, my familiar scent floating within. The majority of bee communication is conducted not solely through dance, as you may have heard, but by pheromones. They have excellent senses of smell, with over fifteen glands for producing chemical messages to each other. I always wonder if that’s the reason they aren’t disturbed to climb and crawl and press against each other in such dim, claustrophobic conditions—it’s the only way they can spread their gaseous message so efficiently, the scent rubbing off of one small, fuzzy body to the next, traveling through the dark hive. They’ll probably find you and your strange smell frightening, may even attack, but stay calm; they’ll get used to you. I used to have to mummify myself in white cotton and gray tape, but all I wear now is a pair of old gardening gloves, my legs and shoulders bared to the burning heat of the day in hand-me-down cut-offs and tank tops worn thin with age. Besides, bees can sense weakness. Do you like the hives? I inherited my oldest from an elderly man at my church. He wrapped me up in duct tape, opened a box to a cloud of whirling, buzzing black and gold, and I fell in love instantly. He had wild, brambly bushes in his backyard, studded with white flowers, and I swear the honey from that hive tastes like blackberry syrup. The two other hives were birthday presents. I built their boxes and roofs myself, carving the slats of wood and drilling in eye hooks for the bungee cords bolted to the brick bases I laid one hot May afternoon; they’re so solid not even the tornados that tend to howl through can disturb the bees. The raccoons are another story, but those little jerks have opposable thumbs, so I’ve written them off as an act of God. We might have to use our hive tools to get in; bees are notoriously industrious, and I suspect mine put in overtime. Any gaps in the hive, no matter how small, are sealed over with propolis, also known as bee glue. It’s a thick, golden mixture of beeswax and pollen, less sticky than you would expect. Run your hive tool—a flat L-shape of metal with a sharp end and a hooked one—along the edge where the roof of the hive meets the body, wiggling gently, ‘til you feel it give away. The humming will intensify, excitement brewing as they realize what’s happening. Here, hold the smoker for me. It’s already smoldering, the fire inside slowly consuming the dried pine needles and leaves and tall, dead grasses we collected earlier. More bees than usual will come out now, upset and alert for threats to their beloved queen, but just give them a gentle puff of smoke. It doesn’t drug them, as that slanderous Jerry Seinfeld movie would have you believe, but it does conjure instinctual memories of fire, of danger, of the need to return home and protect it from whatever is menacing. When I lift the lid to the hive, moving with aching slowness and care, don’t be startled by the strange smell—cloyingly thick and sweet, but with something earthy inside. The smell of honey and pollen and wax and rot and new births and venom and sweat and dusty crumbling death. Bees cling to every surface, latched on with their clever barbed hooked feet. Do you see the ones with pollen clinging to their legs? There are a lot of them now, shocked and affronted at the sudden intrusion of fresh air, no matter how many times we do this. Give them a little puff of smoke, just to settle them down. Looking down, it’s a dark pit, criss-crossed by pale birch slats of wood. We need our hive tools again, repeating the same process of scraping away the propolis bridging frames together and plowing up the wax sticking up like so many stalagmites on the edges of the box. Don’t throw it away once it’s glued itself to the sharp end of your hivetool. Roll it into a ball between your clumsy gloved fingers and stick it into the pocket of your white smock. People always get the value of bee hives wrong. Sure, honey is great, and honey from my hive is the best I’ve ever tasted, but my bees are a little too delicate to harvest whole frames of honey at a time; I only steal tastes now and again. It’s propolis that’s the real treasure. It rubs into your skin like a dream, leaving it smooth and perfectly moist, no matter how flaky it was before. Two drops of food coloring and a stick of propolis makes the most lovely lip balm you’ve ever seen. People eat propolis in powders, in waxes, in supplements for all sorts of things—to reduce bloating, to delay cell damage, to prevent cancer, to ward off bacteria, to heal wounds faster. I remain skeptical on nearly all of those, but I’ll admit to smearing propils onto stings on the rare occasion I get them; it takes the itch away faster than anything else. Now we can pull out a frame of honeycomb. Put your fingers to the top of the wooden slat, making sure you don’t squeeze one of the tens of thousands of bees swarming all over the frames, your hands, up your arms, and gently, slowly lift it. It’s hard to see with so many bees buzzing around, isn’t it? They cling to the golden comb, to the wooden edges of the frame, to each other, tightly; it must be strange to be so close, so cloistered, then suddenly emerge into the open air. There’s a fat, heavy mass of them on the bottom, like a water drop seconds from falling off a leaf. They’re a hypnotic mass of activity, and every tiny action sends up a mass of sound, of heat. Even in the baking sunshine, even with most of them gone to forage for pollen, even through your glove, they radiate more intense, humid, sticky heat than anything you’ve ever felt. Your palms and fingers will be slick with sweat inside your leather gloves. Don’t drop the frame—though that’s more for your safety than theirs. Still, don’t worry. My bees are all honey bees, known for their sweet temperament and social natures—each hive numbering anywhere from thirty to sixty thousand. They’re of a more delicate nature than their cousins, the killer bee. Visually, there isn’t much of a difference, but I can tell either type of hive at a glance. Killer bee hives are much smaller, at only about fifteen thousand, and they’re meaner than wasps. I was once called out to do an inspection of a beehive that had infested the roof of a local school, and I nearly fell off the ladder when a swarm of hundreds came after me with roaring fury. My sweet bees will only attack you a dozen or so at a time. Once you have a good grasp on the frame, without letting go, jerk it down as hard and fast as you can. Their buzz turns affronted, confused, and a little ticked off, all at once—something like an annoyed alarm clock going off mid-afternoon. I’ll settle them with some smoke. Examine the frame for me. With the heaving mass of bees gone, you can see the waxy comb. Each frame is equipped with only a hollow outline of wood and two wires, stretched lengthwise across it. I put in new frames when the hive is outgrowing the ones provided, starting to build on the ceiling and walls, and they can fill it out with geometrically perfect hexagons in less than three days. Hold it up to the baking sunshine and look. There are two types of frames—storage and brood. Storage frames will be heavier, the cells in the middle glistening in the light with gold and mahogany and black honey. The colors jumble together, each different depending on what sorts of pollen the bee who made it used. I have a tiny wooden spoon, just enough to pull out a taste without damaging the waxen cells. Here, try some. I prefer black honey, derived from sweet pine and honeydew. It’s richer, thicker, more lush than weak yellow clover honey or brash orange citrus honey. Extending radially from the center of the frame, you find pockets of amber and gold pollen stored for later use, and then, at the very edge, bright orange bee bread—a processed mix of that same pollen and bee saliva, used for feeding the newest and weakest of the hive. Speaking of, it’s brood frames—those that hold developing bees—that are the real treat. Her Majesty the queen herself travels from one to the next sequentially, laying eggs into cells and carefully capping them up. Storage frames are just frames where the majority of brood has hatched, leaving gaping cells, ready for a brisk cleaning then fresh-baked bee bread. Brood frames are lighter, filled with the delicate beginnings of life in their warm, protected center. The bees are more aggressive when you shake them off this sort of frame; they don’t like being separated from their children. Hold it up. You can see them there, backlit by the sun—tiny, lumpy c-shaped silhouettes. Baby bees, curled up in their hive’s cells like humans curl up in the womb. They’re beautiful. If we’re lucky, we’ll see a pupa emerge from its cell, becoming an adult along the way. They gnaw their way out from inside the cell, the waxy covering of propolis becoming their first, nourishing meal. They emerge slowly, then all at once: huge eyes seeing pure light for the first time; wet, unused antenna peeling away from their delicate, triangular heads; fragile wings drying in the heat of the bees suddenly swarming around them, eager to meet their new sister. Even among thirty-thousand, the arrival of one more is an event to be celebrated. Of course, as we pull out each frame and inspect them individually, be on the lookout for anything that seems off. Scan the back of each bee for a shining red surface, like a wound just scabbed over, the size and shape of a sesame seed: hive mites. They’re nasty little parasites, ones that slip into cells with developing larvae and eat the babies before they can even hope to emerge. They take over the cell themselves, using it as a sick, parasitic breeding ground. Instead of new life, a wave of sickness and death emerges. Luckily, they’re easy to kill, if you catch them early. That’s why we have to look at every frame with such care, to turn it over gently in our hands and feel the rattle in our bones, to not let our eyes glaze over with the mesmerizing swarm of yellow and black. If we see a hive mite, run back inside the house, and do your best not to be staggered by the sudden coolness and quiet. (A few bees will follow you all the way home. Don’t mind them, they’re just curious.) Pull powdered sugar and a sieve out of the cabinets. All we have to do is gently sprinkle the powdered sugar over the hive, cloying everything with a white, sweet powder that makes the fuzzy backs of bees impossible for the mites to cling to with their cruel, suctioned grip. The mites will fall down through the open grating that lays beneath the hive. When we close up the hive, all we must do is slide out the tray underneath and throw the little parasites in the smoker. They burn well. Speaking of unwelcome guests, there will, inevitably, be a bee inside your suit. Bees are notoriously good at slipping into small spaces, and at least one will be curious enough to join you, no matter how much duct tape you wasted earlier. Don’t panic. Or, rather, panic all you want, long as you don’t breathe. Carbon dioxide makes the bees agitated, angered, and we really do not want that. One angry bee signals the others, a cloying cloud of pheromones that, oddly enough, smells like overripe bananas. (Do try to limit your potassium intake before you open the hive, by the way. Sorry, I should’ve told you that one earlier.) Step away from the hive, moving oh-so slowly so as to not agitate your visitor. She (for they’re all she’s, at least the ones who can sting; don’t worry about the men—they’re only good for reproduction before dying off in the winter) will sense that she’s getting further away from the hive. Bees have wonderful homing senses and a powerful instinct to return home whenever anything is amiss—introverts at their finest. When you’re far enough away that no other bees are buzzing around you with curiosity, tentatively remove the gray tape holding your veil in place and hold your breath, hoping she doesn’t deem you a threat—so far from the hive and still. With all luck, she’ll fly off, back on her merry way. Of course, there’s no guarantee this will work. Maybe she’s angry that day, maybe you smell too much of potassium, maybe you twitch involuntarily. Something happens, and, at that point, you get stung. Listen, I never promised the process would be painless. Anyway, stingings aren’t as bad as you think. They’re practically nothing more than a twitch after the first fifty or so. There are places on my hands that are permanently numbed and hardened from stings. It’s said bee venom helps with arthritis, that it ironically acts as a soothing anti-inflammatory—one sharp prick in exchange for a lifetime of ease. The scientists are torn over this, but every eighty-something I’ve ever met at beekeeper association meetings swears by it. At any rate, I hardly ever receive the flashes of pain—bright and hot and startling—anymore. Which is to say, my skin no longer swells after a sting. I think the venom is a part of me. If I am stung, the sharper agony is the loss of another one of my buzzing friends. They can’t survive a sting; all the vital organs attached to their stingers fall out through the dull nub of their abdomen. Their innards are more delicate than you think, stuck to a tiny thorn embedded in your skin, trailing after it, gossamer, like an errant puff of gray-pink cotton candy. If we’re very lucky, we may see the queen. Each hive has its own—Georgia, for the state we got her from; Nefer-bee-ti, for the Egyptian queen; and, of course, Eliza-bee-th, who has outlasted her namesake. I’m very glad bees don’t understand English, or I’d be afraid Georgia would be devastated by her exclusion from the naming scheme. If bees were smarter, though, I think the queen would be devastated by much more important things than her name. To the hive, the queen is everything. She is their reason for existence, the thing they must protect with their lives, the very reason why one would choose to sting and die—just to protect her. To her hive, she is a strange, otherworldly thing. She is the only one who can have children, and she does so at a remarkable rate, fast enough to sustain a hive of up to sixty thousand. She is nearly twice the size of her subjects, with a longer torso, bigger eyes, darker and more delicate stripes. Everywhere she goes, the hive shifts and rumbles in response. We can find her on a frame by letting our eyes unfocus, finding the place where all the bees move out radially, as if she is a great stone thrown into a still pond. Every other bee is trampled over carelessly by the others, without malice or thought, just as it too steps over others in its duties. No one would ever dare step over the queen. She is a strange, lone spot of sovereign stillness in the bustle of the hive. She is everything to her hive because, in the end, she is all they will ever know. She is the crux of the hive’s pheromonal controls, able to change moods and behaviors of the entire hive at a whim. They are addicted to her, unwilling to leave the hive for too long and always knowing where to return to because of her siren call. And, of course, she will outlast them all. A drone bee, meant only for reproductive duties, leaves the place of his birth within six days to seek a queen to mate with. He’ll die within minutes or hours of completing his task. A worker bee goes about her diligent business—tending to the children, gathering water to cool the hive, warding off invaders—for six weeks in the summer. A queen bee lives for up to five years. She is, to them, functionally immortal. She watches something like forty-two generations of her children wither and die around her, working themselves to death for her benefit. Don’t worry if we don’t see the queen as we look through the frames. A healthy, happy hive can only exist if there is a healthy, happy queen. At least, I like to tell myself she’s happy. I like to imagine I have something to do with it, even. The young bees, after all, cannot get used enough to me in their short lifetimes to be settled by my scent, as the hive often is. She’s the one who remembers me, who sends out a soothing pheromonal signal in my presence. Maybe to her, I am an odd, familiar presence, bringing fresh water and clearing out pests and smoothing the ragged edges of hardened wax away. Maybe to her, I am the strange, otherworldly thing caring for the hive. Maybe to her, I am the only friend she can keep. When we’ve inspected every frame, we have to put it back carefully. You can slowly lower it into place; I’ll gently push the bees out of the way with my nubby, garden-gloved fingers. It feels like joy when a bee vibrates gently under your hand, a jolt of something pure and primal and ancient, right beneath your fingertips. We need to push all the frames together when we’re done, making the job of building their propolis bridges back up a little easier for them. The wood is already tacky; it won’t be too hard, for such busy workers. Bees cling in my hair, on my shoulders, on the mesh of your veil as we lift the pointed roof of the hive together, carefully, slowly putting it in place, so we don’t crush anyone. Don’t mind them—they’re placid, gentle. Their buzz is low and soothing, like a mindless hum as you go about your day. I think they’re just saying goodbye. When the sun is slipping behind the horizon, when the majority of my bees are being called home by centuries of instinct, I go out to the hive, barefoot in the tall grass. I sit or lay down in the clover before the hive—heedless of the perpetually-muddy ground hiding beneath the verdant cover. I close my eyes and tilt my head back, listening to a rumbling buzz that drowns out all thoughts. The clover brushes my bare legs gently, the sweet breeze sticky and warm like a balm. The hair on the back of my neck prickles, goosebumps rising as bees fly heedlessly past me, inches away, as if I am just another part of the scenery, just another part of the hive. When I breathe it in, the air tastes like black honey.

A Summer Ago

Deeya Prakash
September 17, 2023

I remember my sister. I know that if I were to forget everything, I would still remember my sister. I remember water so cold it rushed through my ears and pierced the inside of my skull. The warm sweat that had licked our ankles minutes before was gone, replaced with bubbles on fingertips, drops on cheeks. I remember the way Jack’s hair looked when it was wet. He looked like a labrador. He looked like a lover. Suhani is my best friend, but when I tell people I spent my last summer with my best friends I never talk about my sister. I remember the way her face would fall, her pajamas just small enough to show the bareness of her feet and the anklet I helped her make from the thread of our old comforter. She’s tall like me, like our mom. I remember sprawling with her on the bed and playing with chalk in our driveway and that pretty color her room would get just before nightfall, the pink curtains casting the room in a peaceful glow. I remember making her lunch and then spending hours on Grace’s couch. I remember dropping her to swim and spending nights on Megan’s porch. I remember waving her goodbye and spending entire days in the park where I grew up, nestled in Jack’s lap. I remember come home soon and how I never came home soon.

Response Art

Libby Dakers
May 7, 2023

I am in fifth grade, and I have read all the books in my school’s library about Frida Kahlo. In her halo of flowers and vines, I see my own smudged marker drawings of ferns and petals. The monkeys on her shoulder lean into me so I can whisper in their ears. I admire the shadow over her upper lip as I trace where her eyebrows meet in the middle. Her intentional etching contrasts my blurred self portraits, where sloppy pools of graphite reveal where I contemplated changing my features. My mom is finally letting me wax my lip and the fuzz between my eyebrows. I can’t wait because I’m tired of these two blonde girls coming up to me chanting “mustache” with their index fingers beneath their noses. When I touch the channel between my eyebrows, the hairs recoil like the wiry legs of an ant just squashed. I think the hairs make my face look dirty. After school, I spread my markers around my lavender leather-bound sketchbook at the kitchen table. I draw dresses on wire hangers dangling off a clothesline tied between neighboring roofs. The buildings lean to the right, the gray skies especially hollow. My mom tells me my drawing looks good, but I tell her it doesn’t count because I’m basically copying Frida Kahlo. She says it’s fine because artists copy other artists all the time.

Murmurations

Sydney Pearson
April 30, 2023

“There is no single definitive explanation for why starlings murmurate, though most scientists theorize that the behavior helps protect the birds from predators. (Another possible explanation is that murmurations can help the starlings keep warm in the evening by recruiting larger roosts.)”– Søren Solkær for The New York Times, April 2022

The Daughter of a Father’s Daughter

Sofia Barnett
April 7, 2023

My grandfather on my mother’s side—my παππούς, my papou—was a traditional Greek man in many ways. He immigrated to the United States when he was 18, desperate for love and looking for a new start. He moved to Chicago, then West Virginia, and then Chicago again. He met my grandmother, a coal miner’s daughter, in West Virginia when he was 30 and they got married six years later. She was 18 by then. My papou spent the majority of his life running bars and skipping town, two things that usually depended upon the existence of the other. He was a self-taught businessman, handling liquor shipments, managing finances, and hiring “hot” women who loathed my grandmother—my γιαγιά, my yiayia—for reasons only known to them. My grandparents were a beautiful couple: the tall, muscular Greek businessman and his young wife. But like all relationships, theirs was not perfect. Largely because my papou was not perfect. Largely because my papou was violent. My grandparents had three children, my mother being the middle child. Two older girls and one pretty, precious, perfect, little boy. They loved that little boy more than they ever have, ever would, or ever could love anything else. To my grandparents, he was the reincarnation of Apollo, bringing nothing but joy and light into their lives. He shone brighter than the sun, blinding nearly everyone in his path (or in the case of my grandparents, blinding them from their two other children). This dazzling baby boy quickly bonded closer with my grandparents than either of his older sisters, the ones who looked at him with red eyes and steamy ears. ‘How could he have already made them love him like that?’—they used to ask. ‘He’s only two!’—they’d cry. That line soon turned into ‘he’s only five!,’ then ‘he’s only 10!,’ and even ‘he’s only 15!,’ as if it came as a surprise to anyone at that point. My papou hated my mother with nearly as much force as he loved her little brother, if he was even capable of putting forth that much energy into something else, anyway. But she was her father’s daughter. She was loud, rude, defiant, and too much like him for his own liking. This temperament would’ve been an issue regardless, but my mother being a woman certainly did not help. My papou believed that women were supposed to stay quiet and look pretty. Granted he prioritized the latter above all else, but the first still mattered nonetheless. My mother—young Petrina—was a spitting image of her father, and spat the same depravity. Everything she learned in her early life, although she’ll never come close to admitting it, can be attributed to the influence of her father. My yiayia has always told me this, ever since I was a kid. She says this because she thinks the same dynamic is at play with my mother and I—that I am like her in nearly every way. ‘The only difference is you work to change, my koúkla—my κούκλα, my doll—you want to get better.’ And though I have trouble agreeing with her, I know that she is right. Maybe I am more like my mother than I’d like to think.

Birthday Soup

Will Hassett
April 7, 2023

As I walked down the stairs for my second dinner at 10 o’clock, I ran into my mom. “What’s wrong?” “Ah, nothing.” My standard reply.However, an unexplainable unease had been building in me throughout the day, and her perceptiveness has no equal. “Are you tired?” “Yeah.” We had had this conversation hundreds of times.“Well, I’m going downstairs to make some birthday soup if you’re interested.”Birthday soup. It was nobody’s birthday, but interest and hunger brought me downstairs.There are four ingredients to birthday soup—a very simple recipe of water, wonton noodles, eggs, and sugar from when my mom lived in a very simple Hong Kong apartment the size of my college dorm room. She tells me I once loved the snack as a toddler, but I had no recollection of it. As my mom watched water bubble on the gas stovetop, I picked at 荔枝 [lychee], and we revisit our childhoods. A brightly lit kitchen contrasted the darkness outside while steam gathered under the range hood. I sat at the butcher’s block table and my mom again asked, “What’s wrong?”“I don’t know.” And it was true—neither of us knew. The water began boiling and noodles were added. Handing my mom fruit, I distracted myself with Minesweeper on my laptop. The spacebar clacked idly as blue 1’s and green 2’s revealed themselves. My mom cannot fathom how such a simple website can hold my attention so completely, but I was on a mission. Birthday soup was ready. My mom presented two big bowls, one for each of us, filled with noodles and two poached eggs each, along with a faintly sugary soup. “你可以落糖如果唔够甜 [You can add more sugar if it’s not sweet enough],” she said, blowing on her soup spoon. I’m alright. The first sip scalded my tongue. With the sweetness, I managed. My mom gave a small smile as she noticed my enjoyment. I broke an egg yolk with my chopsticks and my mother said, “唔好有乜嘢事都收埋喺自己个心喥 [Don’t keep everything hidden in your heart].” I looked up from my bowl. She paused, and continued, “You know, you remind me a little bit of 公公 [my grandfather, her father]. He was quiet, he didn’t always talk. Very stoic.” I had forgotten the context from which my mother had spoken from. Momentarily, all the uneasiness I had felt before vanished. I had not thought about it.“You know you can talk to me.”“I know, 媽媽.” We’d had this conversation hundreds of times. “Okay, what’d you think of the game?”As my mother and I recount my Memorial Day soccer tournament in between mouthfuls of noodles, I think of what she said, about me, about my grandfather. Stoic?

New Normal

Ellison Mucharsky
March 24, 2023

Normal. It’s what makes all days gloss together into one. It doesn’t necessarily refer to something right or humane or a day that anybody would be happy to relive. Normal means what is expected, but just like expectations, normal can change. And now normal will never mean the same thing again. Sure it was always on the news. But who watches the news when they are 13 years old? I sure didn’t. So all I heard were the whispers. The teachers in my middle school who would cluster together speaking in hushed voices, their eyes darting nervously around making sure that no students were coming. And if one wandered too close to their huddle they would dart away, picking up whatever task they thought would look the least conspicuous: stapling packets of paper, running to the printer, or calling, “Oh no I must have forgotten my lunch in the fridge, how silly of me!” So all I heard were wisps of the truth. “Did you hear?” … “those poor kids” … “the parents” … “mourning, grieving community” … “our hearts go out to you.” As though being told the true horrors of these acts was too much weight for our innocent ears to hold. As if shielding us from the horrific reality of school shootings could protect us as we all prepared to enter high school, ready to begin the next chapter of our lives.

The BDW Guru

Ellen Yoo
March 24, 2023

When you walk into the Brown Design Workshop (the BDW), there is a soccer ball with an image of a man’s face taped to it. He wears a wonky not-quite smile and black-rimmed glasses, and even on a crumpled piece of printer paper, you can see the sparkle in his blue eyes. In the School of Engineering, Chris Bull is a name many have often heard, but not a person that many have actually seen. Even as his student advising partner, he’ll often vanish before my very own eyes. The Brown Design Workshop was born in 2013, out of a desire for a student-led makerspace “which aims to make the practices of design and creation more collaborative, open, flexible, and accessible,” according to the website. In the BDW, anyone can sign up for workshops such as Intro to Woodworking, Laser Cutting, and 3D Printing. With the help of several others, Chris Bull transformed what was originally storage space for equipment into the BDW, which now employs nearly forty paid student monitors with hours from 2pm to midnight, Monday through Friday. There are many machines in the space, including a laser cutting machine, nine 3D printers, woodworking tools, and at least six different types of saws. There are also classrooms, larger-than-life robots, a Formula SAE race car, and abundant wood, metal, and hardware for building. The BDW is expansive—with ceilings over 20 feet tall and over 10,000 square feet of workspace, you could fit 40-50 school buses in it, theoretically. During the day, students work on projects such as laser-cutting earrings, and others lead tours and group activities. You can build whatever your heart desires in the BDW—whatever your mind can dream—given the time and energy to do so. Chris is there to help.

chicken stock

Alyssa Sherry
March 17, 2023

I. my grandma sold her leather armchair last week. i don’t live in new jersey anymore so no one told me that it was leaving until it left, until i came home for the holiday and there was just a wide gaping hole in the corner of the living room like an open wound, bleeding and raw. II. i am seven years old dangling my legs off the kitchen counter and she is teaching me how to make chicken noodle soup. my favorite part is adding in the cubes of chicken stock because i can plop them into the roiling pot and watch them melt apart. the kitchen smells sweet as a memory and my grandfather is dozing in a leather armchair in the living room. his foot is broken. i bring him medicine and he pays me two dollars, conspiratorial smiles, eyes bright, don’t tell mom. i’ll tell her anyway and he’ll laugh and say you’re a great nurse but you ain’t a secret-keeper and this will begin my long career of never knowing how to shut up.but right now i am seven with two dollars in my pocket and now i can almost afford the calendar that i’ve been eyeing at the card shop on route 23! and i’m watching the chicken stock dissolve in the greedy throes of the soup like a sandcastle washed away by a rip current. and i’m thinking that sometimes it must be good to give yourself away as long as it makes the soup happy…III.when i was seven i crouched behind the armchair to hide from monsters in a dream

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