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Fevered

Sarah Crawford
February 11, 2025

For once, this wasn’t a cry because I felt so much, too much—these tears came from a body that earned it, so wrung out by pain it left room for nothing else. In the days approaching this moment, I’d had no power over the persistent ache in my limbs, finding myself involuntarily shivering as a piercing cold enveloped my blotched skin. I now picture striking a match to the corner of a field in a controlled burn, the fire evolving slowly and burning vegetation down to ashes. This ache trumped all its predecessors. A God I don’t believe in played a cruel joke on me, my skin shedding sheets of sweat like some kind of twisted baptism exercise. Seated in a gray plastic chair, I’m poked for blood in a fashion I would quickly become numb to. After processing the sample, the nurses lock eyes across the room, a foreign tongue filling the air. Their lips move behind masks, forming phonemes novel to my ears, but my suspicions about my body don’t often betray me. I knew the very moment I began to sweat. Something in my body was deeply wrong. Turning their gaze toward me, the nurses use fragmented English to confirm what I already sensed. No chance I was leaving the island. A mosquito virus had taken refuge in my bloodstream. A lazy Susan of rotating medical staff enter and exit, checking my blood pressure, platelets, teeth, gums, temperature, stool, muscle mass. They hardly register because I’m just so exhausted. The routine took on a dream-like rhythm. I’d like to say this was comforting to me, as routine often is. But predicting the very encounters with people who’d enter and the very things they’d ask and the disappointing updates they’d inevitably offer was only a sting. My body is home but my body is changed. Phantom parts survive in the Crest-white halls of a hospital off of a bypass in Denpasar. My abdomen remains, checked twice a day for firmness by the doctor I’ve been assigned. His name is Gide and he wears a Harley Davidson shirt most days. I don’t know if he knows anything about that brand, but he’s cool and he admires me because I’m American. My gums remain, painfully inflamed by a weakening immune system. A trained dentist advises me that they are sore because my wisdom teeth are trying to push through. I tell her my wisdom teeth were removed years ago. My arms remain, weaker than ever before. Three IVs per forearm flood my system with medical-grade virus-resistant vitamins as my body works around the clock to multiply my white blood cell count. It leaves no residual energy to stay awake, much less to lift my arms. My blood remains, pulsing through my veins and twice spurting out of the IV, sending me into a panic and requiring nurses to respond to the emergency button next to my bed. I don’t like seeing how easily my blood flow can be diverted from its intended path. My racing mind remains, disoriented, overwhelmed, infected, contagious, building on tendencies I work so hard to overcome. Do people at home know how seriously to take this Do you think they even care Would I have made it if I got on the plane home Would I have died if What if I didn’t insist on seeing a doctor at the airport My head won’t stop pounding I need to eat I’ve lost weight and that’s so unsettling When will I get to go home I feel so worn and my arms are so weathered like tarnished metal I physically cannot consume another bottle of Pocari Sweat I’m so scared My thoughts hiss and crackle until I can’t hear anything else. I have a bad habit of biting the inside of my cheek. And I’m so ready to let it go. But the four hospital walls, the uncertainty, and the weight of this pain served only as a catalyst. Now when I press my tongue against the inside of my cheek, I feel scars. The heavy and cold parts of my body feel suspended there, but what moves with me now in each step I take is a clear and sharp image of tenderness. My mother’s body cramped on a bed right by my side, laying each night on a three-foot long couch. The dim vision of her asking the doctors questions to understand what was happening while I rest and sweat. Encouragement to eat when I’ve lost all appetite. Holding my torso while I grip my walker draped in IV drip bags, providing some sense of stability for seconds at a time in an otherwise hazy fog of weakness. But I can’t walk to the bathroom without falling. And I can’t do so much. She showers me gently. No words need to be spoken. I look like a helpless baby deer, crying in the headlights. I’m not married to my body, I realize. It’s here with me now, slowly regaining color. But it’s in some far away place, too. I catch myself resisting the overwhelming terror of not being able to predict, the fragility of my body deceiving me at any point. Sometimes I crave the formula of a day in there, each moment stretching far ahead of me with clear certainty. Now my teeth search for the grooves inside my cheeks, and I let out a sigh as they settle into familiar paths.

7B2 (Northampton Airport, MA)

Juliet Corwin
February 2, 2025

We must have seemed crazy. We lay on the warm tarmac pavement, looking up at the orange and pink clouds. I still had tear-streaked cheeks and a hoarse voice from the screaming I’d allowed myself in the car. She hadn’t told me where we were going. When we got here she didn’t say why she’d driven us to this spot. When my high-school boyfriend breaks up with me and leaves me alone at the bottom of a hill, I don’t know yet what a blessing this is. As I climb, I cry the tears I held back in front of him. I call my friend who hasn’t always been reliable and tell her the news. This time, she shows up, and it’s enough. She picks me up in her car, unknowingly drives towards his house, and I redirect her with a choked voice. She lets me yell out of the open window, lets me cry and laugh and ask why and say every thought that travels through my mind. I am exhausted when she pulls over and parks on an unfamiliar dirt road. When everything feels too big, go somewhere that reminds you that the world is bigger. Go to a place that you are certainly not supposed to be. Let yourself forget the rules. Inhale and watch whatever finds its way in front of you. It is okay if your breathing isn’t easy. Just watch the sky and float in it all. When you’re sick of trying to run away, lie on a small airport tarmac, and don’t think about how stupid this is. Just watch the white lines on the dark tar, mirrored with the streaks of clouds above you, and the little lights glowing in the sunset. Tilt your head back to see as much of the sky as possible. Your breath will catch in your lungs and then release in a bubble of laughter and awe. For a moment, you will forget to be hurting. The pavement on your back is warm and it holds you. The sky is a dome protecting you, and eventually you’ll feel as though the world is embracing you. Hug it back. When you feel the ground shaking, sit up and roll away. Remember to send up a kiss to the clouds as you leave. In a few days I begin to realize that I feel a sense of relief. In a few months I meet someone who treats me in a way that confuses me because my ex never asked me these questions, never cared to learn about me beyond how much my body he could touch, despite being in a relationship for a year. Half a year later I begin to understand that the things he did were things he never should have done, things that other people don’t always get away with. In spite of myself, I feel jealous of the simplicity of my other friends’ breakups—the pints of ice cream, the crying at rom-coms, the missing until they miss them a little less, until the days stop hurting so much. Instead, my reckoning is long—years—filled with anger and confusion, night terrors and vomit, PTSD and a family that I don’t know how to tell about him. My high school does nothing when I report, and I lie awake at night wondering how many others he will hurt. I apologize for not being able to forget, for my body’s constant fear, for forgetting how to breathe deeply. As we walk back to the car, I thank my friend for introducing me to this new place. Neither of us know that in a year, I will live a plane ride away from this town, from our childhood.

Amtrak and Football

Mayrav Estrin
January 29, 2025

I had a lot of trouble relaxing on the Amtrak home to New York on the last Saturday of September. I was wearing low-rise flare jeans from a Depop in Kentucky. They are great jeans for standing and for sitting very upright, which was the last thing I wanted to do. Unbuttoning them was not an option; it would make me feel like I was getting fat and being impolite. So I sucked it up and in since the train ride was only going to be a few hours. I got tired of scrolling on Instagram, seeing all the posts of people I know at the football game. They all posted slightly different versions of “yay school spirit” and “we love college.” I had to leave the game early to make my train, and I missed Brown’s first win against Harvard in 14 years—at least, I think it was 14. I don’t really care about football. It was a cloudy afternoon, and Connecticut was looking especially unimpressive. I had Fiona Apple and Lana Del Rey blasting in my AirPods because I decided, for no reason, that I wanted to be melancholy and contemplative today. I kept telling myself to look at the houses next to the train tracks and imagine the people who live in them, but my eyes kept focusing on the dirt residue on the plexiglass windows instead. About an hour in, a man in his sixties sat next to me. He arrived with another man in his sixties, his friend, and they both sported worn-out flannel shirts. But the one sitting beside me wasn’t wearing a bucket hat. I was in no mood for a stranger to sit next to me. I had already decided that I wanted to be melancholy and contemplative, and a stranger sitting next to me would most definitely impede on this plan of mine. But the train was crowded. And he seemed nice enough. I started to wonder if the man next to me knew I came straight from the white-out-themed Harvard vs. Brown football game, and that’s why I was wearing a white tank top and blue jeans. He definitely didn’t. But I like to make up stories about people in my head. I decided that he probably wouldn’t have liked that I left a little before halftime. And if he asked why I did that, I would have to explain that I was getting overstimulated by all the people, that my phone had no service, that the humidity and wind were turning my freshly blown-out hair crunchy, that someone who was stressing me out was most definitely nearby, and that leaving the game early with my friend was really the most logical option. I put on a different, more upbeat playlist and reminded myself of how bizarre it was to create such a false narrative. If I said all this to him, his reply would probably be nice enough. But maybe he would secretly judge me and think I’m superficial and lack school spirit—because that’s probably how my story sounds. Anyway, none of this happened. And I had just wasted twenty minutes of my precious youth making up a self-indulgent narrative about what a stranger thinks of me that benefited me in no real way at all. All he’d seen me do was shuffle some songs on Spotify, fix my lip-liner in a tiny rose-gold hand-held mirror, and eat vegan butter-flavored popcorn. He probably hadn’t thought about me at all. I yelled at myself in my head to stop acting like a weirdo in ten different ways. I just wanted to snap out of it. Was this social anxiety, or was I just an egomaniac? Maybe I shouldn’t have had a Black Cherry White Claw for breakfast. He fell asleep for a good portion of the train ride, and I was happy about that because the reflective but reductive attitude I adopted was growing rather self-conscious and negative. If he was asleep, he couldn’t perceive me anymore. I felt bad when I had to wake the stranger up to use the bathroom. He wasn’t asleep asleep. It was more of an “I’m just resting my eyes” asleep. He got up quickly and I walked down the train aisle even quicker. When I looked at myself in the mirror of the tiny bathroom that smelled like piss and pine-scented cleaning products, I thought about how my hair still looked crunchy, how I paid too much for a ticket on this shithole, and how I used too much brain capacity to imagine all the ways that a stranger would disapprove of me. I didn’t even have one thought about his life, I realized. I didn’t think about who he was, where he was coming from, or where he was going. I didn’t think about why he kept checking an interactive weather map on his phone. Nothing. He was busy being his own person while I was busy preparing for his judgment. I was literally just projecting because I was insecure. I didn’t really know about what, either. And if you had asked me at that moment, I probably would have said, “Everything. And my hair looks horrible.” It was probably something deeper than my hair looking crunchy from hairspray. But can I even call it projecting if I didn’t say a single word out loud? When I got back to my seat, the man was back to looking at interactive maps on his phone. I have a bad habit of staring at other people’s phone screens, and he noticed me looking. “I’m tracking my boat,” he said. But “American Whore” by Lana Del Rey was playing a little too loud for me to understand. In milliseconds, I felt anxiety wash over my body. I had just constructed a fake interaction with this man, and now I was about to have a real one. I took out my AirPods quickly. “Sorry, what did you say?” “I said, I’m tracking my boat. On my phone. It’s amazing what phones can do now, right?” “Yeah. It is really amazing.” We chatted for about 20 minutes about his boat going from Connecticut to New Jersey, about his New Jersey upbringing, and about his favorite restaurant that was also in New Jersey. He was nice. He did not have a Jersey accent—in fact he sounded like he was from California. He loved that I asked about the name of his boat. Her name was Ophelia. “She’s not named after anyone or anything like that. I just love that name.” I liked that name, too. I like that boats always have girls’ names. I told him that if I had a boat, I would name her Athena or Aphrodite. I don’t know if I still agree with that. I feel like it’s really corny now. He said those names were beautiful. When it was time for me to get off the train, he helped me get my suitcase down from above the seats and told me to have fun at my mom’s art opening. He had asked what I was doing while I was in New York for the weekend. The real reason was that I needed more Adderall (I am prescribed, but still—), and I didn’t want to tell him all that. And anyway, I really was heading straight to the gallery where she was showing her work. As I walked my turquoise suitcase with one broken wheel down twenty Manhattan blocks, I didn’t put my AirPods back in. I looked at all the people I passed. I didn’t know anything about any of them. And they didn’t know anything about me. And that felt good.

Aflac. Aflac. AFLAAAAAC!

Maison Teixeira
January 28, 2025

Sole's first comic!

Bridges: a Sole Collection

Lucy Cooper-Silvis, Maggie Stacey, Luca Raffa, Mason Scurry, Jules Corwin, Maison Teixeira, Elsa Eastwood, and Desi Silverman-Joseph.
January 28, 2025

This article is the third edition of our collection projects, in which we ask some of our staff writers to each write a short blurb in response to a prompt. This edition’s prompt was: Write about a bridge. From card games to music to noses, we hope you enjoy our writer’s interpretations and musings on one of the most multidimensional words in the English dictionary.. Off Seekonk River - Lucy Cooper-Silvis Give me those folded bridges like calves tucked against thighs. Give me bridges gone to rust that would splinter like old bones if we lowered them again. Bridges a skyscraper devoid of offices. Bridges a ladder to nowhere. Bridges the world’s tallest trellis for kudzu, ferocious, devouring, and ugly blotches on the horizon. Fuck the Golden Gate, the London, the Roberto Clemente. Bridges neat and bow-tied and beautiful, bustling with neat and bow-tied and beautiful traffic. Bridges framed by rows of trees, fire-red in autumn, everything marching like order, order, order, good, good, good. Bridges so ready to ferry you—yes ma’am, no problem—from Point A to Point B. Bridges that don’t complain. Bridges built over inept bridges. Bridges forgetting the brokenness that came before. Give me those bridges more trouble than they’re worth. Bridges we’d rather not have. Bridges that put the fear of God in us. Bridges that groan, You fucked up. Bridges saying, I’m not needed, and only now I’m beautiful. Bridges that weep rust, like, Stay. Stay. Stay. Edwin’s Bridge - Maggie Stacey My 90-year-old friend built a bridge. It’s red, suspended between boulders, across a stream enveloped in thick dark trees folding into each other. The last time I crossed Edwin’s bridge, I was running through mud-soaked trails with my dog whose tail was tucked between her legs through the lullaby of the intensifying storm. Though the cold had broken through to my bones and my notebook was surrendering its pages to the caress of rain’s touch, I stopped to stand still in the middle of the bridge. I felt each raindrop land on my skin and I felt my heart pounding against the breath of the thickening air against my chest. I couldn’t remember why I’d been running. I ran into Edwin earlier that morning at the cafe in town. His face beamed with that Edwin-type warmth - the type that comes from a boundless passion for the world that makes one eagerly await every opportunity to spill discoveries of its beauty into another’s heart. I brought my tea to sit with him at his table and he told me the history of the French Revolution and then of France. My first tea turned into another until he said goodbye, he had to make his way home. Edwin’s my best friend’s grandfather, my mom’s best friend’s stepfather, my mom’s mom’s best friend’s husband, and my friend. On Edwin’s bridge time slows down, stops, and comes alive. Time holds my hand and we look together at the stream. Time is my past and my future and my mother’s best friend’s grandfather’s past and everyone’s future and no one’s future all happening together at once. Time stands over me and embraces me with the world’s song. Time sings the song of the leaves rustling, the creek rushing past rocks, the sticks falling off a tree branch. Time is here for sounds to become songs, for words to become stories, and for those stories to become mine to carry on. The Whee Bridge - Luca Raffa From the highway bridge, I could see the cool shores of Lake Ontario, even makeout the great Toronto skyline with my little eyes. The size of a teddy bear, I would close my eyes, shake my head loose, the wind lifting my soul, the tickle of childhood making me smile. Laughing at fear, I would throw my hands in the air, and from deep inside my tummy I would roar: wheeee! A miracle awaited me ahead: an ocean raging, shattering into an enchanting mist that rose up into an arc of a million colors. America was just on the other side. Since moving to Boston from Canada, my family would drive up to Toronto to visit my grandmother for Christmas every year. But crossing the Whee Bridge, I would keep my hands in my lap and tuck my voice into my throat. Stiff, I would nod at my memories in silence like strangers I used to know. The wind would hit my face from the window and beckon me forward. I was a ghost, entering a world of the past. It was a world that I had grown apart from, a world that had grown apart from me. But from over the bridge, I could still see the cool shores of Lake Ontario, could make out the distant Toronto skyline. In the bleakness of December, I would break a smile, rouge on my cheek, a crinkle in my nose, a tickle in my heart, knowing very well what this magic was all about. A Bridge to Paradise (Valley) - Mason Scurry I grew up in Montana, the northern heartland, the dusty soul of North America. I am wind- whipped wheat fields, a single-spiked mountain range (and then infinitely more), Lodgepoles stretching skyward. Under big skies, freedom is in no short supply. Neither is loneliness. There’s a bridge that runs over the Yellowstone River, parallel to I-90, between the Absarokas and the Crazies. It’s black, shiny metal, painted aluminum poles that criss-cross to form a tube around a train track like some steampunk rib cage. Mountainous, transcendentalist views extend infinitely through triangular gaps in the bridge. I know this because I’ve walked the bridge myself, jumping from rung to rung with the water roaring beneath me, proud I’d mastered my once-debilitating fear of heights. I was brave then, and because I was brave I was foolish, and because I was foolish I was free. And that’s what this story is really about, a bridge that’s free because it’s meaningless, free because it remains in Paradise Valley, but altogether lonely because its free. Gaps - Jules Corwin i. may i make you water under the bridge? may i draw the flesh from your bones and pull the fluid from your spine? may i curve you under the crook of your knee and watch as you lap along the shore? about sixty percent of our bodies are water. may we rise and fall in our tides together? will you show me each wave and ripple? ii. meet me across the bridge of your nose. step lightly from nostril to nostril. land at the cupid’s bow of your lips. bring me into your skin. let me dive from pore to lovely pore. let me huddle with your breath on my face. make me yours, please, i’m pretty sure i’m ready for you to be mine. iii. is each pair of ribs a broken bridge? bone winding around trying to touch the other only to be forever reaching out. iv. my grandma used to play bridge every once in a while. my grandpa played bridge and poker. now that my grandpa has died, my grandma plays bridge every week with a group of widowed women. their hands shuffle the cards, wrinkled and skilled from age, wedding rings still on, shining weights. v. how do i tell you that my feelings jumped off the bridge and you didn’t catch them before they hit the water? how do i tell you of the salty splash without re-enacting it with tears? will they fall from my eyes? will they pool in yours? who will catch the drops? vi. question: why did my mom cross the bridge? answer: because she can’t swim vii. in gymnastics, there is a pose called “bridge.” with your index fingers and thumbs creating a triangle, press your palms into the ground. push your body towards the sky and straighten your knees as far as possible. it may be uncomfortable to breathe. viii. we made bridges with our bodies, ached for our hands to cross every inch. we didn’t worry about what might be on the other side. whether it was sweet or prickly. ix. i used to walk down to the bridge between st paul and minneapolis. the lights on the other side reminded me that somewhere, people were dancing. x. the songs play bridges, croon across lyrics and notes. sometimes i don’t know how far the distance is, how many steps they count, but their words reach me anyway. xi. a bridge collapsed in maryland. and west virginia. and missouri. new york, indiana, mississippi, rhode island, illinois, ohio, iowa, new jersey, massachusetts, kentucky, pennsylvania, colorado, michigan, oklahoma, washington, wisconsin, south carolina, louisiana, kansas, georgia, virginia, florida, connecticut, tennessee, california, arkansas, alabama, new hampshire, north carolina, texas, minnesota, hawaii, montana, maine. thirty-seven out of fifty (seventy-four percent). xii. how many stones does it take to make a bridge? only one, if you leap far enough, maybe. xiii. our interlaced fingers bridge the distance between our beating hearts, and for a moment i imagine that we may feel the same thing. then your hand strays along the curve of my hip and i crumble. Track 12 - By Maison Teixeira I press play. I> The sound of a hand, frozen in time as it strums a guitar before I was born, plays in my ears. The guitar repeats the same two chords, four times each, over and over again. I leave my dorm room, descend the stairs, and make my way through the garden in front of my dorm. As I watch a squirrel scuttle across the grass, a soft, deep voice sings: “Underneath the bridge... tarp has sprung a leak... and the animals I’ve trapped... have all become my pets...” His melancholic words, sung from somewhere beyond this life, carry me through the busy streets. There is a distinct loneliness to his song, as if his voice is on the verge of breakdown. The world outside my headphones falls away, replaced with the sound of his voice and his guitar. The passing conversations, the birds tweeting and chattering, and the cars, whose drivers angrily mutter under their breath as I cross the road without looking both ways, all disappear to the bridge, the best part of the song, where the drums, bass, and the cello finally kick in. I make it to the other side of the street and turn a corner, but the road is closed, and there’s… “Something in the way...something in the way...yeah...” I look to the other side of the street. My best friend is walking in the opposite direction. II We smile at each other as I take off my headphones and cross the street, suddenly thankful that there was… something in the way. Crossing Over - Elsa Eastwood I read and reread Paper Towns the summer of our final visit to San Francisco. It was full of John Green’s characteristically cynical aphorisms, but one particular line lodged itself in my mind—one I couldn’t yet understand that was waiting for its moment. My family went to San Francisco every year. My parents grew up there, and they passed the city on to us like an heirloom. I remember the unfathomable magic of Fairyland in years when it was socially acceptable to sport striped pajamas in the daytime. Sneaking out just after dawn with my mother for focaccia at the bakery in North Beach, the old men hunched over cappuccinos and newspapers. Searching for pirates with my father in the dense fog. By the time my younger brothers were old enough to spell their names, we had done almost everything there was to do there. We met all of our Northern California relatives. We watched fourth-of-July fireworks from Aquatic Park and the wrestling seals in residence at Pier 39. We muscled our way through the entire Ghirardelli menu. Yet, one unturned stone loomed at the back of my mind. I remember seeing it for the first time—stretched across the horizon, cables fragmenting a cloudless sky. The grandeur of the muted steel, the romantic history. I sat long past my bedtime in the window of the rental house, gazing in dreamlike reverence at the millions of artificial stars that illuminated its sweeping limbs. How fitting its name was. How big and beautiful the world seemed. By that summer, the emblem of ingenuity had become to me a reminder of the one San Francisco milestone I had yet to conquer. It was time: I would walk the Golden Gate Bridge. The day came. Cars barrelled past. Every noise was thunderous. The five of us clung desperately to the red handrail, eyes darting between signs that warned, “The Consequences to Jumping are Fatal and Tragic”, “Emergency Phone and Crisis Counseling”, and “There is Hope! Make the Call!” My hair whipped my face until it stung. I pulled it aside just in time to see my middle brother wedge his body between two of the bars to catch a glimpse of the bay 200 feet below. “Donovan! Away from the edge!” my mother cried, her voice swallowed by the wind as she lunged to grab his arm. We watched as a particularly wild gust sent my father’s baseball cap cartwheeling through the air into traffic. A wail from my youngest brother pierced the chaos. I tightroped the line between speeding cars and fatal fall in silence. I felt betrayed by my vision, thrust violently into the truth like a toddler into a glassy pool. The bridge’s seismic hum made waves beneath my feet as I inched forward. I never thought I would succumb to negativity; the world had always been kind to me, my imagination always unchallenged by experience. But as I stood there, facing a 40-minute walk and the grim reality of my postcard fantasy, I understood: Everything’s uglier up close. The Plunge - Desi SIlverman-Joseph Jumping off the bridge was the coolest thing you could do when we were little. Addie was the first of us boys to do it. When he landed in the water, I saw my uncle’s face light up with pride. He pumped his arms triumphantly—as if to say, That’s my son! He’s not scared of no bridge. I still have the scrapbook photo commemorating the event. We stared, dumbstruck, as Addie climbed out of the water. My brothers and cousin offered congratulatory remarks, but I felt a pang. I sought that same approval—that stamp of manhood that can only be achieved by falling twelve feet off the side of a railing and into salty waters below. On top of the bridge, cars raced by, not aware of the feat of courage that was to be committed in their midst. I clasped my dad’s hand tightly and peeked over the railing. My insides sunk three feet. “Uncle Danny will be in the water to meet you,” my dad reassured me. He helped me climb up the two craggy wooden slats guarding the bridge. I stood on top of the railing, capped by a flat plank of wood so thin its width matched the length of my little feet. I witnessed the vastness of the ocean before me, blossoming out from my chest. My dad held my hand for stability. “You got this!” Uncle Danny shouted from below. My eyes welled with tears. “I can’t do it, Dad,” I choked up. I turned back toward the road, unable to look my dad in the eyes. I walked my wimpy legs back down to the seashore in shame and hoped that next year I would be brave enough. The cars still sped by overhead.

Maria Principessa: Un Sogno

Luca Raffa
January 28, 2025

I. In Campo, the ancient olive groves seemed to stumble up the mountains, as if they dreamt of touching the sky. Their canopies were thin. Their crooked trunks bent forward. Their thick, calloused feet sunk through the dirt. They sighed with the eastern breeze that carried whispers of the sea. A little girl wanted to disappear under these olive groves. While her brothers and sisters went to school to learn math, or grammar, or history, she learned how to sew. Her hands and disposition became rough. Life was not fair. II. Pepe Carino was a tall and handsome-looking man. His soul was big. His laugh was charming. His words were just. All of the ladies wanted him, but he only wanted her. He saw her one day in the piazza, knowing very well what to do. His cleverness brought her to him, and his passion kept her there. He cut her hair. They kissed once when he was sick. III. After boarding the ship which had waited for her at the port, after eleven days of floating in the ocean, after marveling at white flakes which danced in the winter sky, after getting married, after working in the factories, after buying a house, life became working in the basement on the sewing machine. It was cooking pasta for Joe when he called home from the barbershop. Plucking pears from her backyard in the summertime. Christmas and New Year’s celebrations. Family, food, sweets, cards, smoking, laughter. Taking care of her son Salvatore and her daughter Cora. Taking care of her grandchildren. Watching them grow. *** IV. In the mornings my grandmother wakes up from her dreams against the railing of her queen-sized bed, the other side empty, cold. She crawls, one foot forth, her cane like a scepter, regally guiding her to the bathroom. After showering, she wraps herself in warm clothes and an elegant scarf, spritzing herself with the fine floral scents of her perfume, combing her white hair softly. She peers outside: the sky is blue. She sits in her chair at the table, a cushion on her back. Her morning coffee is too bitter again, and so she sprinkles in spoonfuls of sugar, making a face of disgust when it is still not sweet enough. Someone might call if they remember her, but she cannot remember their name. Her name is Maria Principato, but her words do not flutter out like they used to, before.. Her lips stick together, sealed. Sitting down on her throne that faces the television, she spends hours in a spiral of thought. When she eats dinner, her chewing is loud, loathsome—it breaks the silence of ghosts that haunt her little bungalow. When the dark creeps in through the windows, she is ready for sleep. She puts on a white nightgown and crawls towards the edge of the bed. I can only imagine what this principessa may be dreaming.

The Wandering Albatross

Stella Kleinman
January 23, 2025

The strongest ocean current in the world is the Antarctic Circumpolar Current, coursing through the narrowest chokepoint around the White Continent. Average water flow is 4.77 billion cubic feet, over 600 times the volume of the Amazon River. With 40 foot waves and 50 mph winds, the Drake Passage from Argentina to Antarctica is a uniquely violent journey believed to have caused thousands of shipwrecks. I’m sitting by the window watching the world churn. The boat is pitching—skyrocketing up and plummeting down over wave after wave. If not for the gentle hum of the engine, I wouldn’t know we are moving forward. From the front observation deck, I can feel split seconds of weightlessness, where my throat becomes a vacuum and heart strands get caught between my teeth. Anyone with any sense is in their cabin, hiding from seasickness under ceilings, sheets, and eyelids. A smooth, dark silhouette fills the window, interrupting the vast expanse of otherwise empty sky. At first, I think it’s a spot in my vision– a hallucination from too many nights at sea. How could this stranger, this creature of solitude, find us here? Lifted by long, sleek wings, the massive bird glides across the air as if it’s a solid surface. With dark eyes narrowed ahead, it tilts back and forth on its axis to catch the harsh gusts. The sea falls to its knees at first brush with the bird’s wingtips, a kiss that stops at the lips, suspending itself in the air. Last night, Marten, an expedition leader and ornithologist, presented a PowerPoint about the wandering albatross. We sat on the floor like young children, watching him click through videos breaking down the bird’s flight patterns. The albatross flies in a unique style called dynamic soaring, which involves gracefully swooping through wave troughs on a cyclical path. Carving elegant lines through the sky, it can fly for a thousand miles without flapping its wings. Marten’s eyes glinted as he told us the birds spend the first five to six years of their lives without ever touching land. They can circumnavigate the globe in 46 days, sleeping with half their brain at a time. From behind the window, I watch the white-headed albatross swoop and fall and glide, tracing its flight path with my pointer finger. It is a being of wind and power, one of the elements rather than fauna. In one of my favorite poems, Samuel Coleridge’s lyrical ballad The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, a sailor shoots an innocent albatross for no apparent reason, cursing his voyage. The crew endures storms, spirits, and haunting mist as the dead bird hangs over the captain’s neck, a symbol of curse and punishment. The albatross’s mistreatment at human hands signifies the plight of the poet, violent acts against nature with catastrophic consequences, and individual sacrifice. Compulsory storytelling. The bird’s white head dips forward as it catches a gust and effortlessly outruns the ship along the air. My breath fogs up the window glass. Where are you going? Where have you been? What is it like to live surrounded by nothing but air and water, to fade into the horizon day after day? What do you miss? What can you call your own? The albatross answers with a glittering downward swoop. The first time I step on Antarctic land, I am so far away from home that my body is no longer my own. Blue ice crystals glow around my feet as far as I can see, hanging over themselves and creeping forward as time stands still. Every so often a chunk screeches and splashes into the churning ocean. Snowflakes bundle and roll, speckling the harsh slopes of jagged mountains. I picture a holy-handed giant taking a pocket knife to a block of obsidian, carving away sharp bits. Eating each slice of rock off the knife, one by one, then disappearing into the sky. I wade through water so clear and smooth I would try to mold it like clay if I didn’t know any better. I try to survey it all, but my gaze keeps snagging on rock piles and tumbling into snowbanks and slipping down the sides of icebergs into the silent ocean. I feel like I could melt into my feet, or catch a draft of wind and plummet upwards to the tips of the black mountains. I wonder if the sun still sets somewhere, if the streetlamps in my neighborhood still flicker, if the world is still spinning the same way, if I have ever been anywhere else, if I am still my mother’s daughter. If someone reached out and touched me right now, would their hand pass straight through me? I am stuck in time but nowhere in space, existing only elsewhere. I wonder if the wandering albatross leaves a piece of itself on every wind it catches, drawing lines around the globe. Ancient mythology refers to the albatross as the Prince of the Wave, a mystical spirit of lost sailors possessing healing powers and prophesizing divine fortune. By observing these birds, sailors adjusted their course to avoid harsh weather. To hurt an albatross, as demonstrated by Coleridge, was to unleash the wrath of the sea. When I was younger, I couldn’t fall asleep without first finding the North star out my window, or guessing where it was on cloudy nights. In a place where the sun does not set, what do you center your world around? What is it like to be as untethered and alone as the albatross, beak careening forward through empty space? On the seventh night, we leave the ship, hauling packs twice our size. Anthonie and Kai trek in heavy red coats, testing snow and whispering hastily in Dutch. Finally, they decide on a somewhat flat plot of snow as far as possible from seals and avalanche risks. They hand out shovels like goodie bags at a child’s birthday party, if candy and toys could protect from 20 mile per hour winds. Antarctic gusts are in the rare category of things you can only burrow under, never climb over or stand against. When it’s finally my turn with the shovel, I feel like I am digging my own grave. I lay down to mark the size hole I need, then hack into the snow. Fine powder scatters to the breeze every time the spade goes over my shoulder. I am cutting into the Earth’s southern crown, making room for myself in a place unlike anywhere I have ever been. Once I’ve dug a three-foot deep coffin, I gently arrange my two sleeping bags and tuck myself in facing the still-bright sky. Sharp gusts tumble over me, and I welcome the cool air as it buries itself in my lungs. As the temperature drops, snow crystals begin to freeze around me, molding an imprint of my body. In my mind, I am here to stay. I will crawl into this shoveled-out cove each night, watching the animals around me to know when it’s time to sleep. I will live off of mackerel icefish and Antarctic cod and melted snow. Each morning I will make it a little bit farther up the mountain and carve words into the rock, and then retreat. After a while, I will stop thinking about what I am writing. I could really do it. I lay on my back with my eyes open, breathing in the southern sky. A wispy cloud rolls down toward me, obscuring the mountaintop. Every so often, little gentoo penguins splash in and out of the water, always in groups—unlike the albatross, with its commanding wings and daunting spirit. For the first time since meeting it, I feel a dull ache for this mystical creature with no dwelling, this lonely flier. I pull my blankets tighter around me and sink into the earth’s embrace. I don’t know if I managed to sleep tonight, but I know I woke up. The crushing melody of Anthonie’s boots on the snow’s brittle surface invites me back to my mind. It’s four a.m., and we have a long passage to the next island. Once my eyes adjust to the light and I remember where and who I am, I grab a shovel from my neighbor and begin refilling my bedroom with snow. I pack it in and pat it gently, evening the surface so that there is no trace of my stay. I kneel silently atop my handiwork until my knees are soaked and it’s time to go. Back on the ship, I find my body in the same seat on the observation deck. The waves are gentler closer to the shore, and we are rolling side to side rather than pitching. I’m not sure how long I sit hugging my shins before I see it. Another albatross, beak open, dancing up and down along drafts. This time, I don’t question its solitary trajectory or spiritual meaning or how and why it can only chase or flee. I watch the polar breeze wrap itself around the bird’s wingtips and think about interlacing my fingers with my best friend. I watch the sea meet its feathered underbelly as it swoops downward and remember every time I fell asleep in the car as a child and my parents carried me to my bed, every leaf pile my brothers and I jumped into during the early Autumns of growing up, and every pendant a friend has fastened around my neck for me. I think of the way the spirit of the ocean protects the albatross, and let it glide out of my sight.

I Miss the West

Mason Scurry
December 1, 2024

I woke up this morning yearning for wide, windswept roads, red rock, and mountain views through hot windowpane. Instead, I woke up in Providence, Rhode Island, missing a hometown 2,000 miles away. I miss the West. I miss my home. I miss the natural playground I grew up in, I miss falling in love on rockslides and meeting up with friends at trailheads and roadside diners and family-owned small-town breakfast places. I miss rippling fields of Indian Paintbrush, snowmelt waterfalls striking my scalp, burnt orange sunsets through smoky skies. When I was a kid, I hated Montana. Newcomers would come and gawk at the expansive mountain views, swoon over the shops in downtown Bozeman, and complain about growing up elsewhere. I never understood their obsessions. I’d been gazing at those mountains and shops since before my eyes were fully developed, I was touching pine trees and collecting bits of moss before I could walk, and starting ski lessons just after. Montana was all I knew. The mountain ranges marked not just the edge of the horizon, but the edge of my world. I never got the experience of seeing those mountains for the first time. For me, it was a mundane, everyday backdrop, meaningless gray, blues and greens. My parents were different. Neither one had been ‘out west’ until college. My dad applied to a job in Yellowstone impulsively and moved with 2 weeks' notice. My mom took a summer job here and never left. But I loathed Montana—my prison, a barren hellscape, devoid of people and just about everything else. Western cowboy-bolo culture always felt foreign. I craved marble fountains, whooping sirens bouncing off cement, pigeons. I craved crowds and buildings I had to crane my neck to see the top of, brownstones and urban gardens. I told my Mom once, in Chicago, “Nothing happens at home. Everything happens here.” But for some reason, this morning, I miss Montana. I miss the rest of the West, too. I miss Utah’s otherworldly cliff faces and sandy bellows, I miss Idaho’s pine forests, Oregon’s waterfalls pouring from mossy, black rock, California’s wide, wet tree trunks in inconceivable proportion, Nevada’s dried sagebrush leading nowhere, Wyoming’s two-laned highways and weathered church steeples. For two years, I tried hard to avoid going home for the summer. It felt like a regression. It didn’t feel right to go to college, to live alone and fiercely on the East Coast, to galavant around Boston with my newfound friends, and get drunk at bars with my fake ID. My attempts to secure a job were unsuccessful though, and the summer of my freshman year I stayed home. I traveled often, but when I was home, I stayed busy to keep my mind quiet and started a blissfully all-consuming business. Truly, that was the summer of escape. Escape from the backyard I grew up in because I was too old and it’s too well explored. Escape from thousands of trails I used to use for wildflower and mushroom hunting. Escape from a place that formed me, my body, soul, heart, and mind, a place I had no idea how to love. My second college summer, I went home again. Mania has a way of disrupting a person’s life. I completed two classes that semester, one book, and zero internship applications. In the mental hospital, I ‘knew’ I’d spend the summer road tripping with my ‘soulmate,’ showing the world what true love was. We’d soar above the Grand Canyon. When you’re manic anything is possible. As my delusions faded and I returned to my safer (though less interesting) existence in the real world, I told my nurses I’d spend the summer road tripping, writing, and selling copies of my published book to small-town bookstores. But the plan never came to fruition, so once again, I was stuck in Montana, the place I had just managed to escape from. But everything changed when I stumbled into love last summer. He loves Montana. He’ll be there for the rest of his life, ranching, moving water, birthing cattle. The edge of his world is the edge of his horizon, and the yearn to leave will never be strong enough. That gave our love an expiration date, because my home is not Paradise Valley, it is not Sheep Mountain, it is not Ennis or Bozeman or Yellowstone or the Gallatin or the seas of wildflowers. But somehow, this morning, I miss the West. I miss how I’d clamber onto the back of his four-wheeler and we’d roar upward toward a breathtaking view of the sunset. It splattered reds and oranges on the backsides of rocky peaks like a blind painter. I miss him in the driver's seat, searching dirt roads and creek beds for solace. I miss those afternoons and evenings because though I didn’t notice then, I wasn’t just falling in love with him. I was falling in love with Montana, reworking my relationship with the place. Don’t get me wrong. This is not some ultimate declaration of love to my hometown. This essay is not a shot in the dark, it’s not some pronouncement that I’ll be spending the rest of my life in a white two-story farmhouse with a porch swing and an aversion to urbanization. But it is to say that I miss the West, despite everything. He transformed my resentment into gratitude, untanlged my mind, and did some much-needed untangling. I left him, he left me, and then we left each other, and now I’m left nostalgic. I spend a good amount of time, now, in the warm embrace of nostalgia. That’s always been true, but never in my life has it been directed so westward. I’ve been remembering a road trip with two friends, a northbound drive up the coast of Oregon. On the left side of the Subaru Outback was the ocean, its sky-blue surface pierced by rock spires, irritating the water, turning it white and frothy. To the right were tree trunks drowning in thick, soft moss, stretching upward through a bed of dead stuffs rotting from the moisture in the air. The views were panoramic. Pristine beaches, oceans, and forests burdened with life as far as the eye can see. I’ve been remembering a hole my sister and I dug in our backyard. May brought snowmelt and our first ‘digging days’ of the season. We dragged shovels, a pick ax, gardening tools, rakes, and mallets from the shed to the backyard. The hole was sheltered between two huge pine trees and a medium-sized cottonwood. We kept a wooden stool back there too, so one of us could sit while the other hacked. The ground was always dry and unforgiving, though. Years of toiling amounted to a hole that was just a foot deep and two feet wide. I’ve been remembering time in the woods and on the edges of cliffs in the heart of the wilderness. I’ve been remembering spontaneous camping trips, screaming my heart out across mountain lakes, caves I discovered, piles of pinecones, and bike rides along rivers. I’ve been remembering all of this and more, because now that I’ve truly escaped my home, now that I have an apartment on the East Coast and no plans to cross over to the other side of the Mississippi any time soon, now that I’m living this life, I’m realizing I’m living the dream of the trapped, timid, resentful boy I used to be. And whatever I do, wherever I end up, whoever I become, and whichever path I choose, I’ll need wide open spaces, night skies overburdened with stars, and campsites miles away from any sign of life. I guess it’s just who I am.

A Love Letter on Losing Yourself

Mason Scurry
December 1, 2024

Your birthday passed a couple of weeks ago. I noticed. I did think about you. I didn’t text (but I debated) mostly because you hadn’t texted me for mine (two weeks before). I sent you a note. Did you get it? If not, it said I unblocked you. It’s hard to believe you happened, that we happened. We happened over a year ago. That summer, our time together, feels too big to fit into the bounds of a start and end date. But we did have a clear start date—a golden waterfall shrouded in fog, a kiss you started, a lit billboard on the side of the highway. We also had a clear end date—a night at one of our old places (this time there was snow on the ground), hours of tears because Ii was too late, calcified love, distance. You feel so far away now. I understand the connection between space and time, but not the distinction. I suppose that’s the point. Sometimes I wonder if we ever happened at all. More often, I wonder if we ever ceased to happen. I’ve been dreaming since our goodbye, I’ve been half-conscious, stone-faced and sharp-edged. The essence of me is still with the essence of you, still in Montana in your bed without a top sheet, still tangled on the couch and kissing your forehead, still holding the bouquet of wildflowers you collected, still walking hand in hand through my neighborhood at dusk. This year, my summer felt quick and small. Linear. Simple. Our summer was lumbering, gentle and limitless. I remember it all—a second date sitting on a stump by the old Story Mill when we were still new to each other, the tunnel under the interstate when I learned what it meant to be yours, 22 beaded bracelets (I still have them), chapters of handwritten love stories (I’m scared to search for them), how it felt to have my hands on the back of your neck. Part of me is there. It’s yours. It spans space and time, it defies all known laws of physics and biology and humanity, and it’s there. Still loving you. Still needing you. Still merged with you. Maybe this is how love, the worthwhile kind, works. When you fall in love you are briefly, gorgeously complete, when you fall in love you crack some and flow into another soul to become something you were not before. When that love is lost, that merged and mixed and altogether beautiful part of you snaps off and spirals away. It leaves a void, black and furious, one we smother in vodka shots and toxic self-affirmations and false denial, one we fill with bodies and shame and guilt. It ruins our lives for a while until we learn to adjust. Then, the void starts to shrink. We grow back into it. It heals over, we relearn how to exist, we think of ourselves in new, healthier ways, and eventually, we’re a ‘new person’ bursting with ‘self-love’ and emotional byproducts and the love that was once our entire world becomes insignificant. We marvel at how much has changed and how far we’ve come. We gawk at who we fell in love with. We look forward, and dream of someone better. And it stays that way for a while. Then, something starts to glitter through the fog of our carefully constructed explanations. We’re reminded of that first kiss. We realize we’ve kept some trinkets and letters we probably shouldn’t have anymore. We start sensing that somewhere, sometime, that same love we’d cast aside still exists in a very tangible way, and we are still engaged in it, affected by it, in a blurry sort of way. We know this because we can feel its presence. Its soft pull. We’re aware that part of us is missing and always will be. We’re left with a nostalgic peace, a gentle appreciation, sweet memories, and keepsakes. That is what’s left over, whether we’d like it or not. Part of us is permanently missing, because we once belonged to another person. Once, we opened our rib cages and let our hearts run free. Once, we had the courage to give it all up and throw it all in. Once, we fell in love, and that’s not something you can take back. And that’s the consequence of a life well-loved, that’s the consequence of a love well-lived, that’s the paradox of loving—when you give yourself to someone, you don’t quite ever get it all back.

A Shooting Star Some Decembers Ago

Mizuki Kai
November 21, 2024

1:00 The first shooting star I ever saw was in a Japanese forest. It made a scratch in the sky like a hand of a clock that goes tick, tick, tick. It pierced my past, my present, and my future; my skin, my eyes, and my being. My neck craned then, and now. I feel the sensation graze my scalp and crunch beneath my soles, and it is alive in transience and eternal in memory. It’s gone and will never be again, but there’s a comfort I take in its mercurial permanence. Because when I look up at the tips of the trees in Vermont, I see you at the very top, where the sky meets the cedar’s crown. It’s the same sky that held the first shooting star I saw. But there are many years and timezones and kilometers and miles that stand in between, and your entire presence fits in that window of time and space, and I cannot find it anywhere but in a part of me that I cannot prove exists. But isn’t it great? Because I don’t know where you are now, if you are alive, if you breathe, eat, read, love, do math, sing that one song, swim, or run laps around your house. But I know that you are here, in my existence, and I hear you laughing: and that is enough of you that I needed, then, now, and in the future. 2:00 She likes to tell me that my whole being used to fit within her palms. Those same palms can now fit the five fingers of my right hand but not much more. I’m holding that hand, pulling her behind me in the Gothic Quarter of Barcelona. I’m pulling her drunken hand through the Shibuya Scramble of Tokyo and her steady one through the Marshalls aisles in West Houston. The same hand she once stuck out at me and told me to slap because “she was a bad mama.” The same one that lifted me in the air in that video I digitized from 2003. The hand that I held at Lake Hope in Colorado at the end of our unexpectedly-tough hike. The same hand that once flipped through the 1998 yearbook pages that I’m flipping through now, on the second floor of her parents’ house in Japan, where everything but time exists. 3:00 There’s a car driving through the forest right now. Maybe it's the same forest where I saw my first shooting star, or maybe it’s the one that my uncle drove six years ago from Oita to Kumamoto. It’s probably the Nissan driving through a rainy Vermont. Soon, the Nissan will stop, the driver will sigh of relief, and he’ll tell me that we’re here. And I’ll grab the leftover McDonald’s and run to the backdoor through the wet grass, and I’ll feel the safest I’ve ever been in this bedroom that I’ve never been before. And he and I will discuss the significance of the joke at the beginning of the movie, and Sean McGuire will tell Will Hunting that we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. And even though my world has only existed here tonight, I’m glad that he’s next to me to catch my tears. 4:00 The only record of change in my mama’s childhood home has been carved into its inhabitants. His skin droops lower than it did the last summer that I shook his hand goodbye, and hers are chiseled with new sun spots. Here, dawn is quiet, and dusk is sacred. There are diaries in the language I no longer live my life in, nursery records of a past I can’t touch, stained photographs, expired stamps, Shinto altars, and morning-glories. The grandfather clock in the living room swings, ticking through our stay. With every year, its hands fall behind, but the path that the pendulum carves is the only straight line I’ve ever followed. 5:00 Do you remember me? I hope you do. I hope you remember my name. 6:00 Few things haunt me: the frog I accidentally stepped on when I was four, memories of yelling at my parents, when that girl pulled her eyes at me in the cafeteria, mistakes I can’t undo, the future, and death. The future haunts me before it’s here because I’m afraid my children will lose the only words my parents find freedom in, and death because it is the only thing that bends time. When my grandpa dies, so too will my ties to Japan. I see death in the orange and red leaves of Vermont autumn, in the freebie calendars my great-aunt hangs, and in the pictures of my ancestors above the altar in the formal room of my grandparents’ house. Fifteen years ago, I lay awake in this room on a futon next to my grandma. She asked me why I was crying, and I told her it was because I was scared to die someday. Because in that room, time feels so finite it suffocates you; it feels so solid that if I reached for it, I would feel it woven into the tatami. 7:00 He and I go to the Providence Place Cinema to watch Ghibli’s Spirited Away because he showed me Good Will Hunting, so I want to show him this. In the film, Chihiro wanders into the spirit realm where an evil witch takes her name away. She is now Sen, the witch’s worker whose mission is to save herself and her friend, Haku, by escaping this world. At the end, Haku reminds Chihiro of her real name, and Chihiro, of his. I cry because I resonate with Sen; I miss my life as Chihiro. I cry because even he doesn’t know me whole. I cry because I exist strictly in two identities, and never in both realms. 8:00 I have a habit of talking to myself in English when I need to drown unpleasant thoughts, but my mama once told me that I sleep-talk exclusively in Japanese. I sometimes hear my own voice, crying about a dream in a hazy consciousness, oscillating between reverie and reality. Yet, when I awaken I remember only fragments like a ghost of a light long extinguished, twinkling in a part of me that keeps time differently. As morning comes in Texas, the sun sets on Mount Aso. And just as dawn and dusk can exist in parallel, I’ve learned that I, too, can exist in twilight. 8:00 How many people have touched my hand? How many rivers has it reached for? How many pages has it flipped? My hand holds proof of change. The one that once grasped my mama’s pinky has since held much more in its palms. 9:00 During a video call over Thanksgiving break, my grandma asked me to create a family tree for my grandpa because he’s started to forget things: his breakfast this morning, our conversation last week, and the names and faces of his grandchildren. I choose from the years-old photos I have of my uncles and cousins and the most recent photos of my parents and brother to construct a concise web of our bloodline. My grandma’s pleased with the finished product. She tells me that she’ll print it out for my grandpa to study. 10:00 When I’m awake, I speak to myself not to create thought but to suffocate it. Asleep, I find clever ways of escape: I fly; I become invisible; I hold my breath; I forget. In my dreams, I am both diaphanous and free. 11:00 When I see stars, I get excited because it reminds me of how little I am, and how a rock or a glacier or an elephant could just crush my bones, and I will decompose and become nothing again except a littlest scratch in the sky, but hopefully, when that happens, someone will be craning their neck, too.

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