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Featured Pieces

Black Honey

September 17, 2023
Mariah Guevara

I’m going to have to wrap you in duct tape the first time. It’s as much for the nerves as for any practical function. We’ll wind it round the places where your thick cotton pants are tucked into your rubber boots and your goatskin leather gloves cinch around your elbows. Seal away any trace of skin, any gaps to the outside world. Reassure yourself—there’s no way they could possibly get you now. They most certainly can get you now, but let’s not focus on that. Besides the gloves, the veil is the most important part. Make sure the zipper is pulled as tight as possible to the side and stick a peel of duct tape on it too, for good measure. Watch the world become hazy and strange and gray beyond the wall of mesh. As sealed up as you’ll get, it’s time to go. Outside, you’ll find the heat and humidity of the Arkansas summer is nearly unbearable. The best time to check on them is, tragically, in the heat of the day, when the majority will be out foraging. Your fingers will swell with boiling blood, rendered bloated and red and clumsy on the acre-long walk down a green, sloping hill out to the hives. They’re three small, charming things—white boxes with wood-lined roofs to give them the appearance of cottages—nestled about ten feet apart from each other in the shade-dappled line of forest curving against the open field of my backyard. They’re all faced east, to better nudge the bees into action as soon as the sun rises. My hives are set a little lower than most, but that’s only because I’m shorter than most; they’re waist-high, for ease of access. The sound of buzzing is incomprehensible, loud at even twenty feet away but nearly deafening when you stand before a hive itself. I always knock on the side of their hive to announce my presence. I’d feel bad about disturbing them, but I think they’ve gotten used to my intrusions. There are terrible things that can happen to hives if we don’t check in on them every week or so—parasites, new queens born to wage civil war, diseases. It’s my job and joy to keep my fuzzy little friends safe. The humming inside rises to a high, whining pitch until I waft my hand across the entrance, my familiar scent floating within. The majority of bee communication is conducted not solely through dance, as you may have heard, but by pheromones. They have excellent senses of smell, with over fifteen glands for producing chemical messages to each other. I always wonder if that’s the reason they aren’t disturbed to climb and crawl and press against each other in such dim, claustrophobic conditions—it’s the only way they can spread their gaseous message so efficiently, the scent rubbing off of one small, fuzzy body to the next, traveling through the dark hive. They’ll probably find you and your strange smell frightening, may even attack, but stay calm; they’ll get used to you. I used to have to mummify myself in white cotton and gray tape, but all I wear now is a pair of old gardening gloves, my legs and shoulders bared to the burning heat of the day in hand-me-down cut-offs and tank tops worn thin with age. Besides, bees can sense weakness. Do you like the hives? I inherited my oldest from an elderly man at my church. He wrapped me up in duct tape, opened a box to a cloud of whirling, buzzing black and gold, and I fell in love instantly. He had wild, brambly bushes in his backyard, studded with white flowers, and I swear the honey from that hive tastes like blackberry syrup. The two other hives were birthday presents. I built their boxes and roofs myself, carving the slats of wood and drilling in eye hooks for the bungee cords bolted to the brick bases I laid one hot May afternoon; they’re so solid not even the tornados that tend to howl through can disturb the bees. The raccoons are another story, but those little jerks have opposable thumbs, so I’ve written them off as an act of God. We might have to use our hive tools to get in; bees are notoriously industrious, and I suspect mine put in overtime. Any gaps in the hive, no matter how small, are sealed over with propolis, also known as bee glue. It’s a thick, golden mixture of beeswax and pollen, less sticky than you would expect. Run your hive tool—a flat L-shape of metal with a sharp end and a hooked one—along the edge where the roof of the hive meets the body, wiggling gently, ‘til you feel it give away. The humming will intensify, excitement brewing as they realize what’s happening. Here, hold the smoker for me. It’s already smoldering, the fire inside slowly consuming the dried pine needles and leaves and tall, dead grasses we collected earlier. More bees than usual will come out now, upset and alert for threats to their beloved queen, but just give them a gentle puff of smoke. It doesn’t drug them, as that slanderous Jerry Seinfeld movie would have you believe, but it does conjure instinctual memories of fire, of danger, of the need to return home and protect it from whatever is menacing. When I lift the lid to the hive, moving with aching slowness and care, don’t be startled by the strange smell—cloyingly thick and sweet, but with something earthy inside. The smell of honey and pollen and wax and rot and new births and venom and sweat and dusty crumbling death. Bees cling to every surface, latched on with their clever barbed hooked feet. Do you see the ones with pollen clinging to their legs? There are a lot of them now, shocked and affronted at the sudden intrusion of fresh air, no matter how many times we do this. Give them a little puff of smoke, just to settle them down. Looking down, it’s a dark pit, criss-crossed by pale birch slats of wood. We need our hive tools again, repeating the same process of scraping away the propolis bridging frames together and plowing up the wax sticking up like so many stalagmites on the edges of the box. Don’t throw it away once it’s glued itself to the sharp end of your hivetool. Roll it into a ball between your clumsy gloved fingers and stick it into the pocket of your white smock. People always get the value of bee hives wrong. Sure, honey is great, and honey from my hive is the best I’ve ever tasted, but my bees are a little too delicate to harvest whole frames of honey at a time; I only steal tastes now and again. It’s propolis that’s the real treasure. It rubs into your skin like a dream, leaving it smooth and perfectly moist, no matter how flaky it was before. Two drops of food coloring and a stick of propolis makes the most lovely lip balm you’ve ever seen. People eat propolis in powders, in waxes, in supplements for all sorts of things—to reduce bloating, to delay cell damage, to prevent cancer, to ward off bacteria, to heal wounds faster. I remain skeptical on nearly all of those, but I’ll admit to smearing propils onto stings on the rare occasion I get them; it takes the itch away faster than anything else. Now we can pull out a frame of honeycomb. Put your fingers to the top of the wooden slat, making sure you don’t squeeze one of the tens of thousands of bees swarming all over the frames, your hands, up your arms, and gently, slowly lift it. It’s hard to see with so many bees buzzing around, isn’t it? They cling to the golden comb, to the wooden edges of the frame, to each other, tightly; it must be strange to be so close, so cloistered, then suddenly emerge into the open air. There’s a fat, heavy mass of them on the bottom, like a water drop seconds from falling off a leaf. They’re a hypnotic mass of activity, and every tiny action sends up a mass of sound, of heat. Even in the baking sunshine, even with most of them gone to forage for pollen, even through your glove, they radiate more intense, humid, sticky heat than anything you’ve ever felt. Your palms and fingers will be slick with sweat inside your leather gloves. Don’t drop the frame—though that’s more for your safety than theirs. Still, don’t worry. My bees are all honey bees, known for their sweet temperament and social natures—each hive numbering anywhere from thirty to sixty thousand. They’re of a more delicate nature than their cousins, the killer bee. Visually, there isn’t much of a difference, but I can tell either type of hive at a glance. Killer bee hives are much smaller, at only about fifteen thousand, and they’re meaner than wasps. I was once called out to do an inspection of a beehive that had infested the roof of a local school, and I nearly fell off the ladder when a swarm of hundreds came after me with roaring fury. My sweet bees will only attack you a dozen or so at a time. Once you have a good grasp on the frame, without letting go, jerk it down as hard and fast as you can. Their buzz turns affronted, confused, and a little ticked off, all at once—something like an annoyed alarm clock going off mid-afternoon. I’ll settle them with some smoke. Examine the frame for me. With the heaving mass of bees gone, you can see the waxy comb. Each frame is equipped with only a hollow outline of wood and two wires, stretched lengthwise across it. I put in new frames when the hive is outgrowing the ones provided, starting to build on the ceiling and walls, and they can fill it out with geometrically perfect hexagons in less than three days. Hold it up to the baking sunshine and look. There are two types of frames—storage and brood. Storage frames will be heavier, the cells in the middle glistening in the light with gold and mahogany and black honey. The colors jumble together, each different depending on what sorts of pollen the bee who made it used. I have a tiny wooden spoon, just enough to pull out a taste without damaging the waxen cells. Here, try some. I prefer black honey, derived from sweet pine and honeydew. It’s richer, thicker, more lush than weak yellow clover honey or brash orange citrus honey. Extending radially from the center of the frame, you find pockets of amber and gold pollen stored for later use, and then, at the very edge, bright orange bee bread—a processed mix of that same pollen and bee saliva, used for feeding the newest and weakest of the hive. Speaking of, it’s brood frames—those that hold developing bees—that are the real treat. Her Majesty the queen herself travels from one to the next sequentially, laying eggs into cells and carefully capping them up. Storage frames are just frames where the majority of brood has hatched, leaving gaping cells, ready for a brisk cleaning then fresh-baked bee bread. Brood frames are lighter, filled with the delicate beginnings of life in their warm, protected center. The bees are more aggressive when you shake them off this sort of frame; they don’t like being separated from their children. Hold it up. You can see them there, backlit by the sun—tiny, lumpy c-shaped silhouettes. Baby bees, curled up in their hive’s cells like humans curl up in the womb. They’re beautiful. If we’re lucky, we’ll see a pupa emerge from its cell, becoming an adult along the way. They gnaw their way out from inside the cell, the waxy covering of propolis becoming their first, nourishing meal. They emerge slowly, then all at once: huge eyes seeing pure light for the first time; wet, unused antenna peeling away from their delicate, triangular heads; fragile wings drying in the heat of the bees suddenly swarming around them, eager to meet their new sister. Even among thirty-thousand, the arrival of one more is an event to be celebrated. Of course, as we pull out each frame and inspect them individually, be on the lookout for anything that seems off. Scan the back of each bee for a shining red surface, like a wound just scabbed over, the size and shape of a sesame seed: hive mites. They’re nasty little parasites, ones that slip into cells with developing larvae and eat the babies before they can even hope to emerge. They take over the cell themselves, using it as a sick, parasitic breeding ground. Instead of new life, a wave of sickness and death emerges. Luckily, they’re easy to kill, if you catch them early. That’s why we have to look at every frame with such care, to turn it over gently in our hands and feel the rattle in our bones, to not let our eyes glaze over with the mesmerizing swarm of yellow and black. If we see a hive mite, run back inside the house, and do your best not to be staggered by the sudden coolness and quiet. (A few bees will follow you all the way home. Don’t mind them, they’re just curious.) Pull powdered sugar and a sieve out of the cabinets. All we have to do is gently sprinkle the powdered sugar over the hive, cloying everything with a white, sweet powder that makes the fuzzy backs of bees impossible for the mites to cling to with their cruel, suctioned grip. The mites will fall down through the open grating that lays beneath the hive. When we close up the hive, all we must do is slide out the tray underneath and throw the little parasites in the smoker. They burn well. Speaking of unwelcome guests, there will, inevitably, be a bee inside your suit. Bees are notoriously good at slipping into small spaces, and at least one will be curious enough to join you, no matter how much duct tape you wasted earlier. Don’t panic. Or, rather, panic all you want, long as you don’t breathe. Carbon dioxide makes the bees agitated, angered, and we really do not want that. One angry bee signals the others, a cloying cloud of pheromones that, oddly enough, smells like overripe bananas. (Do try to limit your potassium intake before you open the hive, by the way. Sorry, I should’ve told you that one earlier.) Step away from the hive, moving oh-so slowly so as to not agitate your visitor. She (for they’re all she’s, at least the ones who can sting; don’t worry about the men—they’re only good for reproduction before dying off in the winter) will sense that she’s getting further away from the hive. Bees have wonderful homing senses and a powerful instinct to return home whenever anything is amiss—introverts at their finest. When you’re far enough away that no other bees are buzzing around you with curiosity, tentatively remove the gray tape holding your veil in place and hold your breath, hoping she doesn’t deem you a threat—so far from the hive and still. With all luck, she’ll fly off, back on her merry way. Of course, there’s no guarantee this will work. Maybe she’s angry that day, maybe you smell too much of potassium, maybe you twitch involuntarily. Something happens, and, at that point, you get stung. Listen, I never promised the process would be painless. Anyway, stingings aren’t as bad as you think. They’re practically nothing more than a twitch after the first fifty or so. There are places on my hands that are permanently numbed and hardened from stings. It’s said bee venom helps with arthritis, that it ironically acts as a soothing anti-inflammatory—one sharp prick in exchange for a lifetime of ease. The scientists are torn over this, but every eighty-something I’ve ever met at beekeeper association meetings swears by it. At any rate, I hardly ever receive the flashes of pain—bright and hot and startling—anymore. Which is to say, my skin no longer swells after a sting. I think the venom is a part of me. If I am stung, the sharper agony is the loss of another one of my buzzing friends. They can’t survive a sting; all the vital organs attached to their stingers fall out through the dull nub of their abdomen. Their innards are more delicate than you think, stuck to a tiny thorn embedded in your skin, trailing after it, gossamer, like an errant puff of gray-pink cotton candy. If we’re very lucky, we may see the queen. Each hive has its own—Georgia, for the state we got her from; Nefer-bee-ti, for the Egyptian queen; and, of course, Eliza-bee-th, who has outlasted her namesake. I’m very glad bees don’t understand English, or I’d be afraid Georgia would be devastated by her exclusion from the naming scheme. If bees were smarter, though, I think the queen would be devastated by much more important things than her name. To the hive, the queen is everything. She is their reason for existence, the thing they must protect with their lives, the very reason why one would choose to sting and die—just to protect her. To her hive, she is a strange, otherworldly thing. She is the only one who can have children, and she does so at a remarkable rate, fast enough to sustain a hive of up to sixty thousand. She is nearly twice the size of her subjects, with a longer torso, bigger eyes, darker and more delicate stripes. Everywhere she goes, the hive shifts and rumbles in response. We can find her on a frame by letting our eyes unfocus, finding the place where all the bees move out radially, as if she is a great stone thrown into a still pond. Every other bee is trampled over carelessly by the others, without malice or thought, just as it too steps over others in its duties. No one would ever dare step over the queen. She is a strange, lone spot of sovereign stillness in the bustle of the hive. She is everything to her hive because, in the end, she is all they will ever know. She is the crux of the hive’s pheromonal controls, able to change moods and behaviors of the entire hive at a whim. They are addicted to her, unwilling to leave the hive for too long and always knowing where to return to because of her siren call. And, of course, she will outlast them all. A drone bee, meant only for reproductive duties, leaves the place of his birth within six days to seek a queen to mate with. He’ll die within minutes or hours of completing his task. A worker bee goes about her diligent business—tending to the children, gathering water to cool the hive, warding off invaders—for six weeks in the summer. A queen bee lives for up to five years. She is, to them, functionally immortal. She watches something like forty-two generations of her children wither and die around her, working themselves to death for her benefit. Don’t worry if we don’t see the queen as we look through the frames. A healthy, happy hive can only exist if there is a healthy, happy queen. At least, I like to tell myself she’s happy. I like to imagine I have something to do with it, even. The young bees, after all, cannot get used enough to me in their short lifetimes to be settled by my scent, as the hive often is. She’s the one who remembers me, who sends out a soothing pheromonal signal in my presence. Maybe to her, I am an odd, familiar presence, bringing fresh water and clearing out pests and smoothing the ragged edges of hardened wax away. Maybe to her, I am the strange, otherworldly thing caring for the hive. Maybe to her, I am the only friend she can keep. When we’ve inspected every frame, we have to put it back carefully. You can slowly lower it into place; I’ll gently push the bees out of the way with my nubby, garden-gloved fingers. It feels like joy when a bee vibrates gently under your hand, a jolt of something pure and primal and ancient, right beneath your fingertips. We need to push all the frames together when we’re done, making the job of building their propolis bridges back up a little easier for them. The wood is already tacky; it won’t be too hard, for such busy workers. Bees cling in my hair, on my shoulders, on the mesh of your veil as we lift the pointed roof of the hive together, carefully, slowly putting it in place, so we don’t crush anyone. Don’t mind them—they’re placid, gentle. Their buzz is low and soothing, like a mindless hum as you go about your day. I think they’re just saying goodbye. When the sun is slipping behind the horizon, when the majority of my bees are being called home by centuries of instinct, I go out to the hive, barefoot in the tall grass. I sit or lay down in the clover before the hive—heedless of the perpetually-muddy ground hiding beneath the verdant cover. I close my eyes and tilt my head back, listening to a rumbling buzz that drowns out all thoughts. The clover brushes my bare legs gently, the sweet breeze sticky and warm like a balm. The hair on the back of my neck prickles, goosebumps rising as bees fly heedlessly past me, inches away, as if I am just another part of the scenery, just another part of the hive. When I breathe it in, the air tastes like black honey.

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A Few Impressions

Juliet Corwin
November 6, 2025

– CT, left wrist – I drove to Connecticut to get my first tattoo. The studio, smaller than its parking lot, was tucked away in a gray fold of Stamford. It had been a drizzly morning, and clouds sighed as I walked to the entrance. Timidly, I leaned against the door so it wouldn’t slam shut and scanned the space for a pair of eyes to meet mine. It was my first time inside a tattoo studio, and it showed. Two feet in front of me, a woman lay on her side in a shirt, underwear, and Doc Martens. She chatted with her artist, who hunched over a spread of ink covering the woman’s thigh. The walls were covered in overlapping sketches and prints. Sitting by the only other station in the room was a large man with a permanent frown and huge biceps. I gathered that he would be my artist, and moved toward him. His frown deepened when he saw me. He spoke in short sentences, his voice low and quiet. I showed him the tattoo I wanted and presented my wrist to draw on. Opting for a purple marker, he splashed the design onto my skin way too big. I asked if he could make it any smaller. His eyebrows lifted, but he rubbed away the first drawing and drew it again, a bit smaller. I looked at him pleadingly, too nervous to ask him to change it again. He took the hint and resized it once more. It was tiny, barely a quarter of an inch in height and width. I smiled, and his mouth flattened into a straight line. He prepped the ink and the tattoo gun, and didn’t wear gloves. It took about five minutes to ink the design using the thinnest needle he had. He wiped the excess ink and a few drops of blood from my skin, and I could see the little lines now adorning my wrist. It was perfect. He explained to me that he typically asked clients to pay upwards of $100, but for this he wouldn’t charge more than $40. I paid him $60 and thanked him again. He nodded and pressed one of his sketches into my hand. I had been admiring it while the needle dragged along my skin. It was full of color and soft lines, a warm swirl of tones. As I stepped out the door, I saw that the woman getting the leg tattoo was now eating takeout with her artist. I walked back to my car, watching the clouds inch lower. My wrist stung as I spun the steering wheel home. – MA, right ear – For one of my later tattoos, I filled out an online appointment form for a studio in my hometown in Western Massachusetts. I got matched with an artist named Ian. The space was big, with a lower level for tattoos and an upper level for piercings. There was a waiting area with high ceilings and tons of plants. Ian emerged from his studio and greeted me with a warmth I trusted. He was bald with a long, white beard and eyes that crinkled when he spoke. Ushering me into his studio, he told me to hop up on the table and rolled his chair over to join me. The design I had chosen was simple, and I wanted it to sit behind my ear. He used a disposable razor to shave the edge of my hairline. As the blade scraped at my scalp, we chatted about tattoos I’d gotten in the past. We sized down from the first print he had made, and then he carefully peeled a purple outline onto my skin. He handed me a small mirror that reflected into a big mirror on the wall so that I could see the placement. I told him I liked it. He instructed me to stretch one arm out past my head and rest my cheek on it, lying on my side. The tattoo took forty minutes to ink, and he spoke the whole time. He asked me about myself, about school, about the tattoo’s meaning. I tried to answer in a calm and steady voice despite the pulsating needle bouncing against my skull. Several times he praised my composure, saying that most clients who got tattooed behind their ears can’t sit very well. It wasn’t hard to understand why. When he was done, he told me to take my time getting up. I ignored his advice, pushing up fast and immediately regretting my choice. The sudden absence of vibration on my head left my vision blurry, and I felt lightheaded as I walked back to the waiting area to pay. The person at the register was bubbly and asked loudly if I loved my new ink. I did, and told them so, paid and tipped Ian. I walked out onto the streets of my childhood, my new ink still buzzing quietly. – MN, right hip – My favorite tattoo was inked in Minnesota. A cold Thursday night in December, I arrived at a brightly lit studio in Minneapolis. I was a few minutes early, and sat on a very hard bench in the waiting area. My artist was finishing up with another client, so I pored over the design I’d asked for again. The appointment didn’t start for another forty minutes. When my artist finally came over and said she was ready for me, she seemed annoyed. I showed her the design and she scowled at me, snatching up her iPad and scribbling. She asked me if I had drawn it myself, which I had. After some more silent drawing, she held the iPad toward me. She had taken my (admittedly unskilled) design and created a much better tattoo. Her lines were clean, the shape gentle. I thanked her, she sighed. I wanted the tattoo on my hip, but because of the weather I’d worn sweatpants over my shorts. She rolled her eyes as I took off my sweatpants, pointing out that I could keep one of the legs on if I wanted to. I took the suggestion. When we sized the tattoo, she gave me three options. I picked the middle one, and she placed the outline on my hip. I walked, half-sweatpantsed, to the mirror and watched how the design moved with me. I loved it. I got up onto the table, lying on my side as she instructed. She inked in silence, except for a frustrated question about whether I was holding my breath. I had been, without realizing it, and tried to slowly exhale without annoying her further. When it was finished, my new ink looked delicate and natural on my skin. It is still the best tattoo I have. I carefully pulled the leg of my sweatpants back on over the wrapped ink. As I walked back into the Minnesota snow, my hip pinched with each step.

Two-Day Trip Home

Elaine Rand
November 6, 2025

There’s a new fence in the yard where the trellis once kissed the ground, a padlock on the gate in the alley left by an admirer or a forgetful biker. The front door of the house is newly painted navy blue, but the latch still sticks. An assortment of sunscreen bottles, displaced from the back porch, live in the garage alongside the dead dog’s bed, which has been inherited by my parents’ new one. Sunscreen spread on skin, bug spray interrupted by the sound of barking. I throw the puppy a ball, and she runs around the periphery of the yard, still chasing something invisible long after she has caught it in her mouth. Once, we pitched a tent here, but the pea popped up beneath my back. The tent’s been lost for a decade now. Dirt on the lawn chairs, dirt under fingernails, plastic sacks of mulch stacked tall. A smear of Indiana soil on the back steps to be powerwashed come next year. Inside the house, hairballs nestle in the gap between the refrigerator and the linoleum. The countertop is home to packets of tuna, a plastic Brita pitcher covered in hard water film, recalled pistachios yet to be thrown away. On the wall hangs the prim calendar, which still reads “March” in June. On the floor, WD-40 and Clorox wipes share real estate with cans of wet food and salmon dog treats for brain health. I can hear the nettles rattling outside. They’re strewn along the berm so the puppy can’t romp without getting her short legs caught. Through the window, there’s the redbud that sprouted where the garden patch used to be, more tenacious than the tomatoes. It towers over the ghosts of withered vines, the home-farming love fest brief and barely remembered. There is honor in an intact ear, one without the cartilage pierced—my mother said so long ago. But is there honor in an ear that burns? Both of mine turn bright when someone’s grandma asks me if I’m single. She showed my picture to her son. Lucky that breathing fire with a closed mouth leaves the tongue’s flames extinguished. I smile and deflect, teeth thick with ash. Tomorrow, I will drive away, “Wide Open Spaces” on the stereo. No flat land precipice to fall from anymore. The voices haven’t changed. No new timbres, no unexpected inflections, only the occasional quiet indignity. My shadow informs the conversations. Hello to the teenage neighbor I babysat when she was three and I was 12. Hello to my best friend’s brother, who has forgotten my name. Hello to the photo of great-aunts Elaine and Madeline on the mantle. Goodbye to the swimming pool by my elementary school; I used to leap into the water again and again. Goodbye to the cornfield, razed to build a strip mall, and the strip mall, minced and bulldozed to make room for a high rise. Goodbye to the uncertainty that once roiled inside me in the neighborhood where I used to live. I’ve juiced every drop I can from this place. When I take a sip, I taste only the dregs. Two days ago, I boiled soba noodles and cut hot peppers and cilantro for lunch, snapping carrots in half as men sprayed the dead trees outside with red paint and ran the chainsaw. Today, the radio on the porch plays a couple seconds ahead of the one in the living room, the sponsorship message echoing as it sings: “Committed to building a more just, verdant, and peaceful world.”

A Barely Legal Guide to Seasonal Waitressing

On restaurant work and gender relations
October 31, 2025

During your first shift, you will be sentenced to folding silverware into napkins. A test to see if you’re cut out for repetition, the practice will soon become ritual. Take refuge in this menial task on days when your coworkers commit to telling and retelling their recent sexual escapades. There’s no earthly reason why you should know that your middle-aged boss has a penchant for older women. Innocently enough, a bartender at your restaurant may slip you gifts: kombucha, a work of bell hooks, a bracelet—your relationship will meander into allegory. Proceed with caution. When asked how he filled his day, the same bartender might tell you that he “sipped espresso, smoked a cigar, and watched a snail eat a leaf.” When retelling the story to your friends, you will have to insist through giggles that the quotation is direct. Don’t tell them the other things he said. If your manager is acting a little erratic today, he is likely on the come down from an unsavory adventure he took after closing last night. Watch for signs including an increased volume of arguments with the kitchen, palpitating eyelids, and a lowered physical inhibition. He will spill while clumsily showcasing how to pour a margarita with one hand, but beam at his tricks, and he may tip you out of the bartender’s pool. You have precisely one week to get in the good graces of the kitchen staff. Spark conversation in whatever broken Spanish you can eek out. Laugh at the jokes that translate awkwardly into English. Take pride when the head chef calls you “mija.” First uneasy at his kindness, you will soon determine his intentions unsullied. Soldier through incessant teasing along the lines of Hey, remember me? It is best practice to lie and nod. Apparently, the type of men who take their dates to upscale patio bars are also the type to flirt with their barely legal waitresses right in front of them. A hairball sensation will begin to fester in your gut, one that you will fight back into your esophagus when you laugh at his unfunny jokes and nod when he makes no sense. Don’t cough it up. The new 20-year-old chef may slyly pull you aside during rush and ask for a shot of tequila. You will for once find it pathetically endearing—the bartenders will not. He will be fired within three days, and you will feel inexplicably at fault. He wore star patches to cover his pimples, patterning his face with innocence. As the months progress, you will notice a disturbing, albeit useful, pattern. Some days you find yourself crunched for time, hair frizzed from bike rides and lake dips in the summer warmth. Other days, you will bask in the silence of your sun-spotted car—curls tamed, lips painted, cheeks expertly flushed. Take a moment to rehearse a well-placed smile in the rearview mirror. On these evenings, customers will be much more forgiving when the kitchen is running behind. Bat your eyelashes for an extra 5% and don’t think about Gloria Steinem. Whiskey, sugar, bitters, rock, twist. After countless slow hours spent leaning against the bar, you will learn through osmosis to make an Old Fashioned. Carajillo, Sex on the beach, Negroni, Lemon ball: your new party tricks. You never touched the bottle. You never crossed the line. You never would. As the paychecks roll in, guilt will thaw into acquiescence. Exhale your bitterness as the hairball in your stomach softens into the lining. You will exit the summer with an outlook half empty, but a wallet half full.

Buried Alive – Screams of a Stifled Voice

Ava Satterthwaite
October 23, 2025

10:32 AM: drilling, grinding, sawdust coats my tongue. i am watching a film – a monochrome mouth moves in silence. a man shouts through the static, his words foreign, unintelligible. the reel flickers. barbed ribbons of cornflower blue obscure the scene, coiling around cranes and metal hooks, colliding with rubber-gloved hands, cutting between construction men in blue. is this show… interactive? i’m in the viewing room, on the table. back and forth and back again. 10:33 AM: the drill closes in. i am concrete: jaw locked, limbs tethered to the table. unable to move or breathe. unable to scream or flail or convince the construction men i am still alive. an entire orchestra of stars shine above me, humming a metallic shrill and showering me inan ostentatious sterilized haze. the conductor calls, “instruments sterilized… bone saw….” screeching. more shrilling. a sudden stabbing sensation, a teeming mouthful of metallic crimson. i flinch – this band sucks. i smack the cold leather below me; the curtains close on cue. 8:29 AM: “No allergies to medication? No food since 12 AM? OK, good… Well, I recommend a Vidocin waiver… She’ll have some soren— no? Fine. Insurance card, please.” I sink back into a tattered cloth chair, gaze fixed on a 1980s Wheel of Fortune rerun. Between Sajak’s comb-over, the wooden TV stand swelling with matted wires, and the stiff faux cactus in the corner, I feel like I've fallen into some neon-crazed, cobwebbed wrinkle of time. Mom offers the card and sits beside me, muttering under her breath as she scribbles a second, third, fourth signature on various forms. 8:47 AM: I take shallow breaths, clammy hands trembling as I scan the waiting room. Phrase: Five Words, 21 Letters W A _ I N G _ P F R O M A _ A D D R _ A M “Ava, come follow me.” How fitting. I walk toward the nurse and exhale as Sajak’s laugh and the dense smell of mildew dwindle into oblivion. Soon, I’ll be dreaming, then delirious with a mouthful of gauze. Soon – it’ll all be over. 9:00 AM: The door creaks. A man in starch white enters – his tall, refined frame harsh amid cartoonish bunnies and fields of flowers sketched on the walls. His smile is courteous, if stiff. “Morning, Ava. I hear you’re our wisdom teeth case today. Junior in high school?” Still scanning the sallow sunflowers behind him, I nod: “Yeah… starting college visits soon.” “Big milestone! License too, then?” He stretches into some latex gloves with such vehemence I wince. “Hopefully. I keep failing the parallel park.” “Ah, double freedom,” he retorts, voice now muffled behind a creased blue mask, “It’ll come.” I hesitate, then: “Um – one thing. I’m a natural redhead, and I read we sometimes need more anesthesia? I think I do, after all the cavities and root canals I’ve been half-numbed for.” I smile sheepishly, tracking cracks in the tiles beneath my swinging legs. “I don’t want to feel a thing.” More amused than concerned, he snickers; “You want the good stuff, huh? Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.” A feverish flush overtakes me, knuckles whitening as my fresh French manicure claws into the armrests. I purse my lips to nothing but the echo of crinkling paper and suffocating smell of antiseptic; the door slams before I can mumble another word. 9:05 AM: The room is heavier now – harsher. Even the fluorescent overheads seem fiercer, like electrified clouds infested with hail, enshrouded with an acute sense of dread. I half-expect the bunnies to flee the fields and burrow somewhere warmer, somewhere sheltered from the commotion. The storm brews swifter as I look down to two cold hands – mottled with bruises and blue veins like marble – still fastened to the vinyl-covered armchairs. I was Rose in The Titanic: the bitter Atlantic circled on all sides, but by God, I would hold on to that drifting wood, that stiff vinyl. If this room was a hailstorm, these armrests were my wreckage: a connection to the concrete, to solid land – a lifeline averting an ocean of fear from swallowing me whole. “They’re professionals,” I reassure myself, “trained doctors who do this all the time. I’ll be OK.” I’d identified five items I could see (bunnies, sunflowers, Purell hand sanitizer mounted to the wall, some knives and hooks on a steel, cafeteria-esque dish – the scariest school lunch you’ve ever seen) and two of four items I could touch (the torn sleeves of an old, moth-eaten sweater and the vinyl film on the armrests, of course) when a nurse knocks. She heads for the Purell and asks for an arm. I feel a quick prick, intentionally averting my eyes from the needle to resume the senses’ ritual (two more items to touch… could I fiddle with the IV line? brush the ribbed adhesive at the insertion site? no, that’d be weird). She smiles, gaze flickering to my still-trembling hands, “This’ll calm you down a little, sweetie, OK?” I offer a grateful nod. 9:10 AM: 28. In five minutes, I’d watched the monitor sink from 102 to 83 to 65 (Goldilocks’ zone, breath looser and mind mellower) to the headache-inducing 40, mind-bending 34 (when the bunnies stirred and a breeze made the sunflowers dance – ears smothered in the sound of a million little teeth munching on grass), further and further down until 28 BPM. At 28, neon snow bathes the bunnies, the room an old screen obscured in static. I envision the cactus, the Wheel! of! Fortune! theme, a crinkled People magazine (June 2000 edition, Jennifer Aniston on the cover) and mourn the naiveté of 30 minutes earlier. The tiles teeter as the room tornadoes around me; I seize an armchair with such force the whole chair rocks. Screw Rose, I am Jack: watching myself drown from the hail-ridden clouds above. I sob in slow-motion as my frostbitten hands unfetter from the armrests – Jack’s wooden door unreachable. I am desolate. I am defenseless from fate. A handheld mirror lies slanted on the counter beside me. I search its reflection for what seems like hours. I search this ashen face I once knew for some shred of life – a sniffle of the nose, a curl of the mouth – but to no avail. For a second, I wonder if I’ll die in the smeared reflection: a finale akin only to Narcissus’. After all, 28 isn’t so far from flatlined. Then, 28 climbs back to 33, 34, 42, the sacred 65. I’m not sure what time it is now – or whether it’s been hours, weeks, decades, seconds. I sure as hell am not calmer, though. 9:12 AM: The nurse returns. I ask her the time, what’s in the IV, “will I be under soon?”, each word clear and well-articulated. She’s startled – horrified: this, apparently, was not the desired result. “Wow! I’ve never seen someone so lucid on Midazolam. I– I must’ve halved the dose somehow.” Before I can remind her I’m less reactive to sedatives – before I can tell that snobbish doctor I told you so – she rushes over. “Well, I guarantee this one will work. You’ll be knocked until it’s time for home and ice cream.” She hastily injects another needle, “Count from ten for me.” 10… 9… 8… 7…. Curtains close. A POST-OP REPORT: Recorded 10/02/2022, 11:51 AM EST Patient Ava J. Satterthwaite, 16F, experienced intraoperative awareness and partial temporary paralyzation during wisdom teeth extraction. At 10:32 AM, Dr. Smith [real name omitted] observed REM, increased heart rate, breathing rate, and sweating. Additional anaesthesia was administered at 10:33 AM. Prior to operation, patient expressed concern of a potential need for additional anesthesia. Patient reacted unusually to pre-operative conscious sedation, appearing tense and alert rather than lethargic. Patient was administered a typical dose of anesthesia for her size and exhibited anticipated reaction in due time. There is no explanation as to why this dose was not effective throughout the procedure, but patient has not mentioned recollection of said episode – we do not intend to inform her or her mother, to ensure smooth mental recovery post-procedure. Patient exhibited minimal post-procedure reaction, displaying an immediate spatial awareness and producing well-articulated speech. Patient refused a wheelchair and walked to car without swaying or difficulty… indicating provided anesthetic dose may have been insufficient. Quick metabolization of anesthesia was recorded on her chart for future reference. NOV 05, 2022 | 3:02 AM: I am thrust awake, rattled for the third time this week with the acute sensation of suffocation. I feel smooth silk bedsheets crowded in clusters between my clammy hands and exhale. It’s 30℉ outside – bedroom window adorned in chromatic streaks of snowflakes and steam – but I am sweltered. A dense bead falls from my drenched forehead onto the satin. I drink water and stare into the darkness until my shallow breath has thickened. I’ve been buried alive. Again. This ritual started somewhere around mid-October. Initially, I attributed the nightmares to the stacks of wool and fleece and fur I practically drowned myself in every night. So, I switched to silk. For a week, I dozed under one thin linen blanket to the cadence of chattering teeth, waking still at 3AM, smothered, violently shivering. Sometime close to Halloween – when the evening’s installation featured a cornflower blue man and two matted bunnies – I connected the dots. I have lived in fear of doctors since: terrified to miss a stair, catch a cold, drink too much soda – terrified to live.

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