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Black Honey

September 17, 2023
Mariah Guevara

I’m going to have to wrap you in duct tape the first time. It’s as much for the nerves as for any practical function. We’ll wind it round the places where your thick cotton pants are tucked into your rubber boots and your goatskin leather gloves cinch around your elbows. Seal away any trace of skin, any gaps to the outside world. Reassure yourself—there’s no way they could possibly get you now. They most certainly can get you now, but let’s not focus on that. Besides the gloves, the veil is the most important part. Make sure the zipper is pulled as tight as possible to the side and stick a peel of duct tape on it too, for good measure. Watch the world become hazy and strange and gray beyond the wall of mesh. As sealed up as you’ll get, it’s time to go. Outside, you’ll find the heat and humidity of the Arkansas summer is nearly unbearable. The best time to check on them is, tragically, in the heat of the day, when the majority will be out foraging. Your fingers will swell with boiling blood, rendered bloated and red and clumsy on the acre-long walk down a green, sloping hill out to the hives. They’re three small, charming things—white boxes with wood-lined roofs to give them the appearance of cottages—nestled about ten feet apart from each other in the shade-dappled line of forest curving against the open field of my backyard. They’re all faced east, to better nudge the bees into action as soon as the sun rises. My hives are set a little lower than most, but that’s only because I’m shorter than most; they’re waist-high, for ease of access. The sound of buzzing is incomprehensible, loud at even twenty feet away but nearly deafening when you stand before a hive itself. I always knock on the side of their hive to announce my presence. I’d feel bad about disturbing them, but I think they’ve gotten used to my intrusions. There are terrible things that can happen to hives if we don’t check in on them every week or so—parasites, new queens born to wage civil war, diseases. It’s my job and joy to keep my fuzzy little friends safe. The humming inside rises to a high, whining pitch until I waft my hand across the entrance, my familiar scent floating within. The majority of bee communication is conducted not solely through dance, as you may have heard, but by pheromones. They have excellent senses of smell, with over fifteen glands for producing chemical messages to each other. I always wonder if that’s the reason they aren’t disturbed to climb and crawl and press against each other in such dim, claustrophobic conditions—it’s the only way they can spread their gaseous message so efficiently, the scent rubbing off of one small, fuzzy body to the next, traveling through the dark hive. They’ll probably find you and your strange smell frightening, may even attack, but stay calm; they’ll get used to you. I used to have to mummify myself in white cotton and gray tape, but all I wear now is a pair of old gardening gloves, my legs and shoulders bared to the burning heat of the day in hand-me-down cut-offs and tank tops worn thin with age. Besides, bees can sense weakness. Do you like the hives? I inherited my oldest from an elderly man at my church. He wrapped me up in duct tape, opened a box to a cloud of whirling, buzzing black and gold, and I fell in love instantly. He had wild, brambly bushes in his backyard, studded with white flowers, and I swear the honey from that hive tastes like blackberry syrup. The two other hives were birthday presents. I built their boxes and roofs myself, carving the slats of wood and drilling in eye hooks for the bungee cords bolted to the brick bases I laid one hot May afternoon; they’re so solid not even the tornados that tend to howl through can disturb the bees. The raccoons are another story, but those little jerks have opposable thumbs, so I’ve written them off as an act of God. We might have to use our hive tools to get in; bees are notoriously industrious, and I suspect mine put in overtime. Any gaps in the hive, no matter how small, are sealed over with propolis, also known as bee glue. It’s a thick, golden mixture of beeswax and pollen, less sticky than you would expect. Run your hive tool—a flat L-shape of metal with a sharp end and a hooked one—along the edge where the roof of the hive meets the body, wiggling gently, ‘til you feel it give away. The humming will intensify, excitement brewing as they realize what’s happening. Here, hold the smoker for me. It’s already smoldering, the fire inside slowly consuming the dried pine needles and leaves and tall, dead grasses we collected earlier. More bees than usual will come out now, upset and alert for threats to their beloved queen, but just give them a gentle puff of smoke. It doesn’t drug them, as that slanderous Jerry Seinfeld movie would have you believe, but it does conjure instinctual memories of fire, of danger, of the need to return home and protect it from whatever is menacing. When I lift the lid to the hive, moving with aching slowness and care, don’t be startled by the strange smell—cloyingly thick and sweet, but with something earthy inside. The smell of honey and pollen and wax and rot and new births and venom and sweat and dusty crumbling death. Bees cling to every surface, latched on with their clever barbed hooked feet. Do you see the ones with pollen clinging to their legs? There are a lot of them now, shocked and affronted at the sudden intrusion of fresh air, no matter how many times we do this. Give them a little puff of smoke, just to settle them down. Looking down, it’s a dark pit, criss-crossed by pale birch slats of wood. We need our hive tools again, repeating the same process of scraping away the propolis bridging frames together and plowing up the wax sticking up like so many stalagmites on the edges of the box. Don’t throw it away once it’s glued itself to the sharp end of your hivetool. Roll it into a ball between your clumsy gloved fingers and stick it into the pocket of your white smock. People always get the value of bee hives wrong. Sure, honey is great, and honey from my hive is the best I’ve ever tasted, but my bees are a little too delicate to harvest whole frames of honey at a time; I only steal tastes now and again. It’s propolis that’s the real treasure. It rubs into your skin like a dream, leaving it smooth and perfectly moist, no matter how flaky it was before. Two drops of food coloring and a stick of propolis makes the most lovely lip balm you’ve ever seen. People eat propolis in powders, in waxes, in supplements for all sorts of things—to reduce bloating, to delay cell damage, to prevent cancer, to ward off bacteria, to heal wounds faster. I remain skeptical on nearly all of those, but I’ll admit to smearing propils onto stings on the rare occasion I get them; it takes the itch away faster than anything else. Now we can pull out a frame of honeycomb. Put your fingers to the top of the wooden slat, making sure you don’t squeeze one of the tens of thousands of bees swarming all over the frames, your hands, up your arms, and gently, slowly lift it. It’s hard to see with so many bees buzzing around, isn’t it? They cling to the golden comb, to the wooden edges of the frame, to each other, tightly; it must be strange to be so close, so cloistered, then suddenly emerge into the open air. There’s a fat, heavy mass of them on the bottom, like a water drop seconds from falling off a leaf. They’re a hypnotic mass of activity, and every tiny action sends up a mass of sound, of heat. Even in the baking sunshine, even with most of them gone to forage for pollen, even through your glove, they radiate more intense, humid, sticky heat than anything you’ve ever felt. Your palms and fingers will be slick with sweat inside your leather gloves. Don’t drop the frame—though that’s more for your safety than theirs. Still, don’t worry. My bees are all honey bees, known for their sweet temperament and social natures—each hive numbering anywhere from thirty to sixty thousand. They’re of a more delicate nature than their cousins, the killer bee. Visually, there isn’t much of a difference, but I can tell either type of hive at a glance. Killer bee hives are much smaller, at only about fifteen thousand, and they’re meaner than wasps. I was once called out to do an inspection of a beehive that had infested the roof of a local school, and I nearly fell off the ladder when a swarm of hundreds came after me with roaring fury. My sweet bees will only attack you a dozen or so at a time. Once you have a good grasp on the frame, without letting go, jerk it down as hard and fast as you can. Their buzz turns affronted, confused, and a little ticked off, all at once—something like an annoyed alarm clock going off mid-afternoon. I’ll settle them with some smoke. Examine the frame for me. With the heaving mass of bees gone, you can see the waxy comb. Each frame is equipped with only a hollow outline of wood and two wires, stretched lengthwise across it. I put in new frames when the hive is outgrowing the ones provided, starting to build on the ceiling and walls, and they can fill it out with geometrically perfect hexagons in less than three days. Hold it up to the baking sunshine and look. There are two types of frames—storage and brood. Storage frames will be heavier, the cells in the middle glistening in the light with gold and mahogany and black honey. The colors jumble together, each different depending on what sorts of pollen the bee who made it used. I have a tiny wooden spoon, just enough to pull out a taste without damaging the waxen cells. Here, try some. I prefer black honey, derived from sweet pine and honeydew. It’s richer, thicker, more lush than weak yellow clover honey or brash orange citrus honey. Extending radially from the center of the frame, you find pockets of amber and gold pollen stored for later use, and then, at the very edge, bright orange bee bread—a processed mix of that same pollen and bee saliva, used for feeding the newest and weakest of the hive. Speaking of, it’s brood frames—those that hold developing bees—that are the real treat. Her Majesty the queen herself travels from one to the next sequentially, laying eggs into cells and carefully capping them up. Storage frames are just frames where the majority of brood has hatched, leaving gaping cells, ready for a brisk cleaning then fresh-baked bee bread. Brood frames are lighter, filled with the delicate beginnings of life in their warm, protected center. The bees are more aggressive when you shake them off this sort of frame; they don’t like being separated from their children. Hold it up. You can see them there, backlit by the sun—tiny, lumpy c-shaped silhouettes. Baby bees, curled up in their hive’s cells like humans curl up in the womb. They’re beautiful. If we’re lucky, we’ll see a pupa emerge from its cell, becoming an adult along the way. They gnaw their way out from inside the cell, the waxy covering of propolis becoming their first, nourishing meal. They emerge slowly, then all at once: huge eyes seeing pure light for the first time; wet, unused antenna peeling away from their delicate, triangular heads; fragile wings drying in the heat of the bees suddenly swarming around them, eager to meet their new sister. Even among thirty-thousand, the arrival of one more is an event to be celebrated. Of course, as we pull out each frame and inspect them individually, be on the lookout for anything that seems off. Scan the back of each bee for a shining red surface, like a wound just scabbed over, the size and shape of a sesame seed: hive mites. They’re nasty little parasites, ones that slip into cells with developing larvae and eat the babies before they can even hope to emerge. They take over the cell themselves, using it as a sick, parasitic breeding ground. Instead of new life, a wave of sickness and death emerges. Luckily, they’re easy to kill, if you catch them early. That’s why we have to look at every frame with such care, to turn it over gently in our hands and feel the rattle in our bones, to not let our eyes glaze over with the mesmerizing swarm of yellow and black. If we see a hive mite, run back inside the house, and do your best not to be staggered by the sudden coolness and quiet. (A few bees will follow you all the way home. Don’t mind them, they’re just curious.) Pull powdered sugar and a sieve out of the cabinets. All we have to do is gently sprinkle the powdered sugar over the hive, cloying everything with a white, sweet powder that makes the fuzzy backs of bees impossible for the mites to cling to with their cruel, suctioned grip. The mites will fall down through the open grating that lays beneath the hive. When we close up the hive, all we must do is slide out the tray underneath and throw the little parasites in the smoker. They burn well. Speaking of unwelcome guests, there will, inevitably, be a bee inside your suit. Bees are notoriously good at slipping into small spaces, and at least one will be curious enough to join you, no matter how much duct tape you wasted earlier. Don’t panic. Or, rather, panic all you want, long as you don’t breathe. Carbon dioxide makes the bees agitated, angered, and we really do not want that. One angry bee signals the others, a cloying cloud of pheromones that, oddly enough, smells like overripe bananas. (Do try to limit your potassium intake before you open the hive, by the way. Sorry, I should’ve told you that one earlier.) Step away from the hive, moving oh-so slowly so as to not agitate your visitor. She (for they’re all she’s, at least the ones who can sting; don’t worry about the men—they’re only good for reproduction before dying off in the winter) will sense that she’s getting further away from the hive. Bees have wonderful homing senses and a powerful instinct to return home whenever anything is amiss—introverts at their finest. When you’re far enough away that no other bees are buzzing around you with curiosity, tentatively remove the gray tape holding your veil in place and hold your breath, hoping she doesn’t deem you a threat—so far from the hive and still. With all luck, she’ll fly off, back on her merry way. Of course, there’s no guarantee this will work. Maybe she’s angry that day, maybe you smell too much of potassium, maybe you twitch involuntarily. Something happens, and, at that point, you get stung. Listen, I never promised the process would be painless. Anyway, stingings aren’t as bad as you think. They’re practically nothing more than a twitch after the first fifty or so. There are places on my hands that are permanently numbed and hardened from stings. It’s said bee venom helps with arthritis, that it ironically acts as a soothing anti-inflammatory—one sharp prick in exchange for a lifetime of ease. The scientists are torn over this, but every eighty-something I’ve ever met at beekeeper association meetings swears by it. At any rate, I hardly ever receive the flashes of pain—bright and hot and startling—anymore. Which is to say, my skin no longer swells after a sting. I think the venom is a part of me. If I am stung, the sharper agony is the loss of another one of my buzzing friends. They can’t survive a sting; all the vital organs attached to their stingers fall out through the dull nub of their abdomen. Their innards are more delicate than you think, stuck to a tiny thorn embedded in your skin, trailing after it, gossamer, like an errant puff of gray-pink cotton candy. If we’re very lucky, we may see the queen. Each hive has its own—Georgia, for the state we got her from; Nefer-bee-ti, for the Egyptian queen; and, of course, Eliza-bee-th, who has outlasted her namesake. I’m very glad bees don’t understand English, or I’d be afraid Georgia would be devastated by her exclusion from the naming scheme. If bees were smarter, though, I think the queen would be devastated by much more important things than her name. To the hive, the queen is everything. She is their reason for existence, the thing they must protect with their lives, the very reason why one would choose to sting and die—just to protect her. To her hive, she is a strange, otherworldly thing. She is the only one who can have children, and she does so at a remarkable rate, fast enough to sustain a hive of up to sixty thousand. She is nearly twice the size of her subjects, with a longer torso, bigger eyes, darker and more delicate stripes. Everywhere she goes, the hive shifts and rumbles in response. We can find her on a frame by letting our eyes unfocus, finding the place where all the bees move out radially, as if she is a great stone thrown into a still pond. Every other bee is trampled over carelessly by the others, without malice or thought, just as it too steps over others in its duties. No one would ever dare step over the queen. She is a strange, lone spot of sovereign stillness in the bustle of the hive. She is everything to her hive because, in the end, she is all they will ever know. She is the crux of the hive’s pheromonal controls, able to change moods and behaviors of the entire hive at a whim. They are addicted to her, unwilling to leave the hive for too long and always knowing where to return to because of her siren call. And, of course, she will outlast them all. A drone bee, meant only for reproductive duties, leaves the place of his birth within six days to seek a queen to mate with. He’ll die within minutes or hours of completing his task. A worker bee goes about her diligent business—tending to the children, gathering water to cool the hive, warding off invaders—for six weeks in the summer. A queen bee lives for up to five years. She is, to them, functionally immortal. She watches something like forty-two generations of her children wither and die around her, working themselves to death for her benefit. Don’t worry if we don’t see the queen as we look through the frames. A healthy, happy hive can only exist if there is a healthy, happy queen. At least, I like to tell myself she’s happy. I like to imagine I have something to do with it, even. The young bees, after all, cannot get used enough to me in their short lifetimes to be settled by my scent, as the hive often is. She’s the one who remembers me, who sends out a soothing pheromonal signal in my presence. Maybe to her, I am an odd, familiar presence, bringing fresh water and clearing out pests and smoothing the ragged edges of hardened wax away. Maybe to her, I am the strange, otherworldly thing caring for the hive. Maybe to her, I am the only friend she can keep. When we’ve inspected every frame, we have to put it back carefully. You can slowly lower it into place; I’ll gently push the bees out of the way with my nubby, garden-gloved fingers. It feels like joy when a bee vibrates gently under your hand, a jolt of something pure and primal and ancient, right beneath your fingertips. We need to push all the frames together when we’re done, making the job of building their propolis bridges back up a little easier for them. The wood is already tacky; it won’t be too hard, for such busy workers. Bees cling in my hair, on my shoulders, on the mesh of your veil as we lift the pointed roof of the hive together, carefully, slowly putting it in place, so we don’t crush anyone. Don’t mind them—they’re placid, gentle. Their buzz is low and soothing, like a mindless hum as you go about your day. I think they’re just saying goodbye. When the sun is slipping behind the horizon, when the majority of my bees are being called home by centuries of instinct, I go out to the hive, barefoot in the tall grass. I sit or lay down in the clover before the hive—heedless of the perpetually-muddy ground hiding beneath the verdant cover. I close my eyes and tilt my head back, listening to a rumbling buzz that drowns out all thoughts. The clover brushes my bare legs gently, the sweet breeze sticky and warm like a balm. The hair on the back of my neck prickles, goosebumps rising as bees fly heedlessly past me, inches away, as if I am just another part of the scenery, just another part of the hive. When I breathe it in, the air tastes like black honey.

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The Razor Blades and the Mirror

Luca Raffa
April 2, 2026

I do not remember the first time I shaved my face. I must have been thirteen or fourteen, the dawn of adolescence. I was accustomed to waxing before. The sticky strips that left my upper lip flat would come crashing the way rough waves smooth the seashore. The sprouts of hair that once clung dearly to my skin like barnacles were gone. I did not like this stinging feeling that lingered beneath my nose. When fuzz began to grow from my sideburns and climb my cheeks, I folded to the promises of a razor. This moment soon became a task I observed almost daily as if I was a priest saying my morning prayers. I found ample pleasure in this ritual, and I still do. The sharpness of the blade is refreshing, and the foam from the shaving cream tickles my skin. Prickly hairs disappear with each stroke, though two thick eyebrows remain and a few stray hairs in the creases of my nostril caves. I face myself in the mirror, and the man in front of me stares back and smiles. Giuseppe Principato appeared to be watching in front of me. I blink. It is me. I think we look alike. I have always seemed to be familiar with this stranger whom I have never met, though maybe in dreams or in photographs. There is a black and white portrait of my great-grandfather that I found once in my grandmother’s brown scrapbook. It had begun to rot and was taking on a yellow tone. The young soldier’s oval face, straight eyes, and gently combed hair proclaimed a soft confidence which I seem to have inherited. It was 1940 when this photograph was taken, only months before his deployment to Greece. My grandmother told me that her father would come back unrecognizable to his family, a foolish skeleton figure who had sustained himself on rotten potato skins. Around the same time, another great-grandfather— Santo Salvatore Carino— was somewhere lost in the Sahara. He was a cavalier in the Italian army, though no one ever told me his war story. The fascist dream was brief. The Allies quickly halted Mussolini’s invasion of Greece by the spring of 1941, and by the spring of 1943, the Allies defeated Italy’s imperial project in North Africa. My great-grandparents were liberated from their roles as soldiers, heroes who fought to restore a dormant empire long lost to the sleeping ages of time. Divorced from their muskets, they retreated to their patient wives and retired to simple work as day laborers. Meanwhile, the fighting in the North continued, as civil war ensued. Antonio Raffa, my grandfather, was barely a man when he became a partisan. His battalion immediately surrendered to the German army, and he was brought to a camp outside of Munich. He spoke little about his experiences as a prisoner of war. Still, there is one story that my father told me, and I remember feeling proud after I heard it. Me and my father chuckled, imagining the musty, confused, pot-bellied old man forgotten at the nursing home as sharp and silver as a knife. Unlike his fellow prisoners, my grandfather did not smoke. He would trade the cigarettes given to him for the few coins others carried and slowly created a quiet business in the camp. When the war was over, he had enough pocket change and was able to cross the Alps by train heading south. When he ran out of money, he followed the railroads home by foot. It was the first time he ever saw how beautiful his country was. Pepe Carino, my other grandfather, was only a boy during the war. He remembered tasting chocolate for the first time, a curious gift from a gentle foreigner. Operation Husky brought the forgotten Sicilian town my grandfather was from under British occupation, and British sailors often mingled with the townspeople. Soon after the war, my grandfather became a sailor in the Italian navy, and seemed to now resemble the aliens who had once arrived on his shores. Despite Italy’s disgrace to Europe and to the world, he still seemed to honor a proud nation that was beaten and bruised. He too was proud. In the memories of black and white photograph prints, he can still be seen wearing his white uniform and a round, white hat. He was a handsome man: he had tall legs, a juvenile smile, and a firm demeanor. My grandmother would tell me that he was the greatest man she had ever met. They fell in love when he cut her hair. After his two year service, my grandfather became a barber, bringing his trade overseas as he chased his fiancée on a ship for Nova Scotia. During nostalgic summer evenings in my grandmother’s kitchen or hour-long conversations over the phone with her, I remember feeling red inside and swelling with awe. Toronto was where Pepe Carino followed Maria Principato and where Antonio Raffa followed Maria Ciani. Toronto was the city of immigrants where the fates of the Principato-Carino family and the Ciani-Raffa family became forever intertwined at a grocery store. My father, who was fifteen at the time, would stock the produce, and my mother, at seventeen, would bring my grandmother to the store every Thursday. My parents always laugh when they recall how they would stare at each other in silence on the occasion. For weeks they glanced at each other without saying a word. Once, my grandmother let her daughter and a shy boy meet, pretending not to know what it was all about. They spoke. My mother invited him to visit her at the department store she worked at. He never went, and my mother found a new supermarket to take my grandmother to. My father’s first name is Constantino. This was the name of a nine year old brother my grandfather lost to a lightning fire in a barn. My father’s middle name is Michele, or Michael, and it honors both of his grandfathers. His last name is Raffa, a last name from a line of humble mountain people which I too carry down to my own children one day. He was born a younger brother to two sisters — one was close to him in age, but the other was eighteen years older, and would soon know her own family. His new clothes were often their torn hand-me-downs. The bike he used during his first job delivering newspapers door-to-door was pink. For years, he saved up enough money for a new bike, only to have it stolen the day he finally bought it. My father’s childhood toys were his mother’s pots and pans until he befriended a few troubled Irish boys at the Catholic school he attended. My father was only a decent student, and his father’s beatings expected better grades. At school, he would eat a Nutella sandwich on Wonder bread every day for lunch. At home he might find bits of a rooster’s comb in his pasta and often ate the dandelion greens his mother would pick from the side of the road over summers. Nothing went to waste. Yes, my father never visited my mom at her work. But this moment is not where their story ends. Two years later, they would see each other again when he was getting on a city bus. Again, he saw her and did nothing. When he got off at his stop, he looked through the window at the girl he did not yet know would be his wife, and began to curse at the sidewalk. Yet little did he know that he would see her again by happenstance over the next three consecutive days. Destiny seemed sure. On the third day my father approached her at the beach with a joke, and this spark of laughter set their young romance aflame. Every time my parents told me their story, I relished the golden honey my heart dissolved into, and I began to dream of finding romance like theirs one day. Their love evolved from casual dates at Dairy Queen to dinner dates at fancy restaurants with red lipstick and cologne, then to a sparkling engagement ring that would dazzle one day with my mother’s wedding dress, to a painful chapter of parenthood that begun with a newborn that was going to die, to years of hospital visits, to my older brother’s birth, then to mine, to the inevitable death of their firstborn, and finally to a new life in America. Though my father’s prospects in life were never extraordinary, when he became father to an ill daughter—my sister— work became his duty. Promotions came and with them more expensive suits and more frequent dinners out with business colleagues while my mother stayed at home to watch over the children. Still, my father would buy me lemon croissants from a local French boulangerie on weekends and would reveal from behind his back the stuffed animals he would bring home from business trips. He used to have whiskers of hair floating above his head, but now his baldness shines like gold. The first time I shaved, my father showed me how to do it. Maybe I like shaving so much because it reminds me of him, his aggressive scraping before work, the buzz of his electric razor waking me up in the mornings. It reminds me of the other men I recognize in the mirror too, their features and flaws shadowed in my own face. Searching for the man within me, I find traces of the man within my straight nose, calm eyes, and mysterious lips. A glimmer of sunlight flashes in the mirror. I splash the cold water from the sink to my face, washing the careless wounds on my neck, as streaks of blood emerge from my pores like lava. I pat my naked face with a rough hand towel, and I am reborn. Inside me, a patient volcano is waiting to erupt.

On Foss Hill

Elsa Eastwood
March 8, 2026

I am a California native in the Northeast. It's my first week in the season that I've been told I won’t survive, and I am bundled in clothes—a scratchy scarf, two pairs of pants, a big blueberry parka and a knit hat—all newly purchased. The sun has just risen and crisp air burns my nose. A fresh coat of snow sits heavily on the limbs of trees. Having forgotten to account for the time it takes to layer, I’m running late to class. I glance anxiously at my watch and hurry through the blanketed streets. Out of breath, I arrive finally at the top of Foss Hill, the steep, icy slope that stands exactly between me and the classroom I’m supposed to be in two minutes from now. I lean over the edge to scout my path. After yesterday’s storm the day prior, Foss Hill has been sledded and skied down a great deal. Overuse has scraped any layer of powder clean off, leaving only a frictionless, glistened plane thinned by sunlight. Small outcrops of rock and grass puncture through its marble-like surface, and the whole sheet has been darkened to a murky black-grey. To my left, a paved, well-trodden path winds its way lazily down the incline, doubling back on itself in long, patient curves. But I hate being late, and straight down is the fastest way. Thinking of Robert Frost, I quickly convince myself that descending Foss will not only get me to Intermediate Spanish on time, but will prove me a true maverick—what was once a choice against all reason becomes one of authenticity, and perhaps even courage. I take one precarious step forward. It looks worse than it is, I tell myself. In an instant I find myself skimming rapidly downwards on my butt, my bald-treaded boots flying through the air, limbs flailing. Rows of pine trees and red-brick spires fly past in my periphery. At the bottom, I’m flushed and shaken. Chill seeps through the pockets of my jeans. I close my mouth, which must have fallen open at some point along the way, and wince as small bruises form constellations across my tailbone. I look again at my watch. My class has begun. But the urgency that led to my fall seems to have been lost somewhere in it, and in a moment of catharsis and humiliation I lie back against the hill, laughing awkwardly to myself, not knowing whether to bow or apologize or forget going to class at all. The world narrows suddenly to the question of whether I’d been seen. I swivel my head. The campus is nearly empty, aside from a stranger wearing a backpack and a hefty red coat. He stands, eyeing me, surrounded by snow like a dot of blood or cranberry juice on white carpet. “You good?” “Yes,” I reply. “Thanks.” He nods, burying his nose into his scarf and resuming the trudge forward. I lift myself up by my palms and follow him as whatever spectacle I thought I’d made dissolves into the cold.

Entrance

Sara Harley
March 5, 2026

Second floor, end of the hall on the left. As I turn the dented brass door knob, the wooden door creaks open, revealing the narrow expanse of my high school door room. It’s just after seven o’clock on the night of my eighteenth birthday. Setting my ratty canvas tote aside, I find a seat on the old carpeted floor and wait for the day to spoil. The silence feels like another reminder of the passage of time. Only seniors can live in single rooms. After spending my early teenage years sleeping next to strange roommates with foul-smelling microwaveables, I usually cherish privacy. But today, I’d shower in shrimp–flavored ramen for propinquity. My roommates and I almost never spoke, but I wish for closeness. I moved away from the hills of northern California to go to boarding school a few months after I turned fourteen. My high school is only a three-hour drive south—two and a half, if you’re lucky—situated in a little beach town. I left because I loved school perhaps a little too much. This is my fourth year living in dorms. Surveying the walls, the dark wood and cream-colored paint are dotted and scratched with age. Decades of Command hooks and adhesive sticky tape marks cover the walls. I had tried to cover the age by hanging family pictures and post cards from art museums, but they don’t quite fill the gaps. I know that when I try to gently pull them from the walls next month, they’ll just add to the defaced paint—an enotropic right of passage. No more than a hundred square feet, it’s a shoe box, but transitively mine. I wander over to my beige vinyl desk. Opening the center drawer, I peer down at the names Sharpied onto the wood: Callie Harris from ‘07, just-Maggie from the year 2000, and dozens of other signatures from women who have lived in this very room. Over the years, signatures have accumulated all over campus—written inside gym lockers, carved into the wooden tables in the dining hall, and even painted in acrylic on secret cervices in the art room—from students trying to make their mark. Some signatures are more elaborate than others, with flourishing cursive capitals and consonants; others write over previous students’ names with bold, confident letters; but most of the inscriptions are small and neat like good Catholic school girls. The ink on my drawer is beginning to bleed from accidental splashes of water, blending shades of the blue-ish black, red, green, and pink into monolithic brown. Pushing away a stack of Post-it’s, I uncover the signature of Sharon Wallager ‘90 written right in the center with big, calligraphic letters. Who was she? I almost Google her, but decide against it. Better not to kill the mystery. The way somebody signs their name can tell a lot about a person. Personal marks that seem to say I was here. During middle school, many of my friends practiced theirs like a mantra on scrap paper. Every time my dad pays for dinner, his pen makes the same scratching noise—slow and curled, and then finishes with a lick. Whenever I sign documents, I gulp and try to write my first name in haphazard cursive as quickly as I can, hoping to make a similar noise as my dad. The desire to create a signature feels so masculine. My unquenchable desire for a gold star makes me nervous to sign my name, and yet, I feel compelled to do so anyway. It's times like these that makes me regret never designing a signature. The permanent pen feels permanent, too irreversible, without an autograph. Except for a handful of dorm faculty, like my Welsh world religions teacher, I doubt anybody will see the signatures but those who will live here after me. One of these days, I’ll find a secret spot and sign my name to the drawer like a yearbook that will never be finished— a lineage that I’ll never know but feel everyday. Across from the door, a mirror and a window hang over my desk. There are fingerprints on both from careless mornings. Peering into the mirror, I often like to imagine the reflections of previous tenants looking back at me. My high school—a Catholic college prep school for girls—opened in 1950. I can see my hair cut into a little gauche bob curled at the bottom. My plaid uniform kilt is a few inches longer, but my collared shirt still has the same little embroidered crest on my left collarbone. I think I would’ve been more graceful had I been born then, but I would’ve despised home economics. Making up stories makes me feel less guilty for forgetting to buy Clorox wipes. Sorry, dad. Seeing myself now after another year under the beating sun, I notice how my reflection has changed: my jaw appears narrower and the skin around my cheeks grows drier from the chlorine at swim practice. The inertia of my fleeting youth and the inevitability of getting older scare me. Rubbing the delicate skin around my eyes, I wonder where time has gone. The friction against the glass proves pointless. My physics teacher pops into my mind and reminds me that an object in motion stays in motion. The sun is beginning to set. Looking out the window, the light begins to fade in the distance from golden to pink and orange. At least the sunshine appears to be doing the plants some good. Leaning against the side of the window between bookends are miscellaneous copies of Dover-edition Shakespeare plays, a highlighted Camus, my diaries, a little whiteboard for Spanish verb conjugations, a few old print copies of the New Yorker, and about a dozen classics that I hadn’t read, but made me feel smart for owning. The curtains around my window are barely worth mentioning, except for the fact that they’re light blue, come with the room, and just a little too ugly to be cute. I cast a glance at my two ferns, a pothos, and an old ivy sitting in front of the glass. They’re beginning to take up more space than I can manage. My newest addition is a baby fern from my biology teacher after the national exam. No larger than an espresso mug, I have a bad habit of smashing its little stalks between the pages of my colossal biology textbook, so its pointed leaves have dried yellow and brown spots, instead of dark, judicious green. The rest of them are from a bookstore with a plant atrium in the back. I loved going there during my freshman year on the weekend shuttle—a school bus that looks like half a stick of butter—going south toward the beach to pick out their pots from an eclectic selection of cat heads and funky colors. I picked out white ceramic ones because they had little drainage holes in the bottom, and I have an overwatering problem. I grab my neon orange water bottle named Jamie from on top of the dresser beneath the mirror, unscrew the leaky cap, and divide whatever's left between the four pots. It couldn’t hurt. I thought the ostentatious color would help me not forget him places, though my swim coach and the upper school office would say otherwise. Evoking moans and groans from my friends, he became a micro campus celebrity as a result of the many places I’ve left him—leaning against classroom desk legs, sitting on the edge of the pool deck, hiding under a pew in the campus chapel. Covered in stickers, I can just make out one from a coffee shop nearby—a little tandem bike with a rainbow surfboard. There’s another from a family trip to southern California, one from an affirmative action political protest with flowers in the shape of ovaries, and a few gifted––and a couple stolen––from friends. After dropping Jamie in the rain, bonking him on the side of desks, forgetting him on the pool deck, and letting him fall out of the side pocket of my equally defaced Northface backpack his once-smooth surface has become disfigured. Even so, his scratches and dents make him feel like mine. I decide to return to the floor. Grounding myself beneath the sterile ceiling lamp, I slouch against the linoleum drawers below my sleeper-sofa twin-XL. The cold artificial, blueish-white hue is dissatisfying. Through the semi-translucent light shade, I can see a spotted graveyard of dead moths. Only a month before graduation, I felt the room had already begun preparations for my departure. I notice a thick humid haziness gathering in the cubbyhole-sized space. I couldn't help but feel the room was moving on without me. If I really squint, I can see the brownish carpet is composed of different shades of blue, maroonish, and mustard threads, hiding decades of soda stains, hair, remanence of rumpled pastries. and loneliness. Leaning my head against the mattress, I feel the arms of my dad’s old sweatshirt graze against my back, sticking out from the plastic drawers from below my bed. I have a bad habit of chucking soiled clothes in the closet when I’m in a hurry, which pull my neatly hung dresses down with them. Toss in damp, miscellaneous pool equipment from swim practice and you’ve got a party. The soft cotton stitches of my multicolored hippie quilt pull tighter. After a long morning of celebratory phone calls and texts chock-full with emojis, my phone finally stops glowing. My friends are retired in their rooms to prepare for our last round of exams. Bending my knees toward my chest like a child with a stuffed animal, I settle my phone in my lap. Scrolling, I look up at the popcorn ceiling and back down again, waiting. For what, I wasn’t quite sure––everyone I hoped would text or call already had. Swiping between videos from politics to celebrity drama to cute dogs in little hats, the distractions weren’t distracting enough. Finally, I open my photos app instead, and begin to look at old photographs from my childhood. I was born on the first of May—May Day—a holiday marked by flower crowns and ribbons. I remember that time of year best during elementary school. The school year would be almost over, the blacktop would begin to make a mirage again from the growing heat in the afternoon, and the grocery store watermelon would finally stop tasting so mealy. I share my birthday; I have a twin sister, but boarding school is so not her thing. Since I left, we haven’t spent a birthday together for years. My dad loved to throw shared birthday parties for my twin sister and I. Shared cake, shared cards, shared friends. We both secretly wished we could have separate celebrations, as if to somehow prove we were, in fact, separate people. Luckily, we’re fraternal. I remember sitting side by side at the kitchen table while our family sang happy birthday off-beat––two names instead of one. She hated the song, but I loved looking at how our dad smiled when he sang to us. As kids, I think we both believed sharing a birthday somehow meant we were half as celebrated. But every year since I left for high school, I find myself reminiscing about her, wishing she’d teleport. I realized she was the celebration. On our eighth birthday, we invited both of our elementary school classes to a tropical-themed party. There were rainbow balloons, cut fruit, heavy water guns, cupcakes, and inner tube galore. Our friends screamed and laughed, wearing dark Nike swim shorts and flower patterned cover ups. Rays reflected off the pool and made our skin glow. As the afternoon sun waned, it was time for my dad’s pièce de résistance: the watermelon relay race. I loved being competitive, but I had, and still have, terrible stage fright. Standing at the ledge, we were divided into two teams and organized into lines. “Sara, why don’t you go first?” My dad asked, smiling. He still has the pink polo he was wearing then. “Do I have to?” “Come on—it’ll be fun! Here, take this.” While he was trying to downplay it, my dad asked me to go first because, well, nobody else wanted to. I can’t remember who started the other team. But then, materializing seemingly out of thin air, he handed me a gargantuan watermelon. Hugging it to my chest, my arms ached from its weight. I prayed my melon wouldn’t split in half and put on my best game face while my dad walked to the other side of the pool to referee. Yelling, he told us to swim—there and back! The victorious team won stickers and first dibs on dinner. Raising his fingers for the countdown, I prepared to jump. 3…2…1… But looking back at cupcakes and sun-kissed cheeks on the boundary between adolescence and adulthood, getting older feels like nothing to celebrate. I remember when I thought my childhood would never end, when I thought being seventeen would mean lockers, boyfriends, and house parties until three. My seventeen looked more like study hours from 7:30-9:30 monitored by the dance teacher, Accutane, and mandatory mass on Sundays. A transitory age, the ordinariness makes me feel like I took the fast track to adulthood. The curve in my spine begins to ache against the bedframe. Setting my phone aside, I watch the setting sun’s rays stretch through the window like a cat arching its back. As I reach for the door, the aged wood shines. After so many years of chipping, knocking, and jamming, the ridges of the smoothed trunk still glow bright beneath the worn varnish. Sliding on my dad’s rubber sandals, I wander back down the hall again.

Gemini Season

Elaine Rand
February 20, 2026

Before the world was big, before Benefit Street and Big Bend Boulevard, before Achilles tendonitis and all the awkward annual apple pickings, before I was worried about mono and mold, I had the impression that every summer would be the same. And that’s because, for a while, they were. We used to drive up into Benzie County in northern Michigan sometime during Gemini season to get some time by the lake. There was the wooden platform under the cottage we’d stay in, home to roots and rodents, a bunker of sorts. The windy bike path around the lake that led to the gift shop full of beeswax soaps and honey sticks. The caramel agate and grey Petoskey stones, freshly tumbled, their patterns like tectonic plates trying to shift around one another. The vacationing family in the next cottage over, whose kids made me a little nervous (they crushed at shuffleboard). When I first came, I avoided the other kids and their pavement games—too much pressure to make a good impression. I preferred skipping rocks and paddling out to the bobbing wooden rafts alone, lifejacket chafing at my neck. By my final visit, I’d gotten brave. The tetherball pole became my purview. It stood at a lean, barely secured under the lakefront sand. But were all those summers really the same? There was the year I came a day late, voice hoarse from the strep throat, digital thermometer and bubblegum pink antibiotics double-bagged in brown paper; another year, with strep again, this time missing out on two days in the cottage. There was the year my dad left early to go to a friend’s funeral, and my mother drove us home at 6 in the morning to get the rental car back on time. I sang loudly to keep her awake, occasionally pinching her cheeks at her request—was I allowed to sit in the front seat that young? I dipped my fingers into a crushed Ice Mountain bottle and touched my cool, wet hands to her temples as she drove through the dark. The first Michigan summer I can remember, when I was five, a golden bee stung the tip of my big toe while I sat in the sand, and I spent the rest of the day inside. It felt like such a waste. Silly me, getting a sting at nine in the morning, before I’d even gotten in the water. I wore hot pink water shoes from then on. I’d look forward to our Michigan trip all year. The state itself became my obsession, the lakefront the setting for each of my daydreams. I thought I’d find true love there by the bonfire. I looked for signs in the face of any sweatshirted teenager who passed me on the beach to see if they saw anything in me. I thought I could swim to the other side of the lake, if I tried hard enough. I didn’t know it was eight miles long. There was another family who overlapped with mine for only one summer, whose toothy twins I continually mistook for each other: Caroline and Kelly. They were nine, I was seven. We’d roast marshmallows together under the stars and try to match the constellations to the ones printed in my well-worn library book. Gemini was barely visible, but we found Ursa Major just fine. The twins rode horses back home in Kentucky. We stayed pen pals for a couple years. Their mother addressed the envelopes with loopy flourishes and big circles to dot each “i”. Their town was one of those hit hardest by the tornado last May. Now the planets have shifted positions a million times over and the shoreline is disappearing and I haven’t visited the lake in nine years. New starscapes, new summers, new lakewater levels. New families at the bonfire, new rodents’ nests under the cottage. But how would I know? So, you see, without the anticipation of the annual trip, without the routine of it, the guarantee of new faces for daydream fodder, the water’s placid constancy, it’s easy to prickle when Gemini season rolls around. No more whistling lakeside breeze for me, just the pitter-patter pattern of the rain on the cement. The tropical levels of humidity haven’t arrived just yet, but they will soon. There will be signs.

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